It was NOT an ass trash day mentally. Go figure. I’m not saying there were cartwheels being done on my part but…it was better than it’s been the last week or so. I was functional. Well, ish. I mean, I bathe and stuff, but sometimes my grooming is haphazard. I haven’t bothered to wear a bra out in public in five days. A truly good high functioning day includes a bra and that didn’t happen today. But as far as a shift in moods go..I’ll take “ish”.

Nothing happened. The big difference was in the weather. Sure, we got a bit of snow and an ice storm coated everything but the temp was above freezing. It seems to make a difference with seasonal affect, even if I can’t explain. Not arguing with it. I folded all the laundry, even scrubbed the bathroom down. I wasn’t a whirlwind but I wasn’t as lethargic and that’s good.

With mental illness, you take what you can get. You learn to appreciate things that seem infinitesimal to others yet are HUGE leaps and bounds for you. Just not wanting to die was excellent.

We’ll see how long it lasts. It could be the Viibryd starting to do something. It could be the difference in weather temp. It could be a fluke. I don’t need to know why. One day where I can think of one or two reasons to live is a winner.

So I have this thing for watching Deadly Women. But sometimes the way they deal with mental illness really becomes a thorn in my paw. Like calling Xanax a “bipolar medication” or “sleeping pill”.BULLSHIT. Like labeling anyone with mood swings “borderline personality disorder”. Like acting as if a woman who has a history of psychological abuse did something wrong by losing her mind. Sure, some are sane and just plain evil. But if you take a damaged person with mental issues and psychological scars and expect them to behave the same way as someone in their right mind…It just makes you look like a dumbass. Extenuating circumstancesm,ffs.

Oh…and the brainiack who commented, “If you met this woman, you would never know she had a bipolar personality.”


That really pisses me off. I have come within an inch of okaying shock therapy to be rid of this shit because it’s NOT a personality, it is an illness and no one fucking asked me if I wanted it. I was just the unlucky winner of that suck ass genetic lottery. Saying bipolar is a personality is like saying diabetic is a lifestyle choice.

It’s one thing to be uninformed and ignorant of facts. But if you’re gonna put it on TV, do some damned research and get it right or shut the hell up.

I’m ranting. This is GREAT. I haven’;t had the passion to rant properly lately because I didn’t care enough to get bent about anything. This is progress.

I am sooo gonna pray to the sacred cow tonight to let me stay in this mental state awhile. Fiery and pissed off is sooo much better than sad sacky and kill-me-now.

From “Red Is The New Black” by Funeral For a Friend, a line that resonates with me:

This eventual stop, this break in the mould…I scream down this hotline…just to feel something.

It’s good to feel something again even if only for now.


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