Tainted

Another day in the mental gutter. BFD.

I was hit with an epiphany tonight. Becca and I watch American Horror Story together every week and normally we’re both all about the show…But I watched it and…Got nothing out of it. It just annoyed me. I said as much and she said it was great. Which made me realize…

Depression taints everything, including the things we normally love. It literally sucks any joy out and replaces it with…nothingness. That is depressing.

It encompasses so much in my life right now. I don;t even like myself. I feel it’s all pointless, including me. That’s depression. Logically, I know this. Yet it doesn’t feel like something the meds will help and it will pass. It has just been this way for so many months now that I’m convinced this is who just my latest metamorphasis. A joyless miserable automaton who thinks everything is futile.

I dont want to feel this way, I fight it so damned hard, and it doens’t change a thing. Demoralizing. And the notion that it’s likely not me, it’s the depression tainting everything, that should be comforting, Because it leaves room for hope.

Hope is wearing a toe tag right now.

On the plus side, after six hours of trying to work up the nerve, I opened my mail box for the first time in six days. Fortunately it was junk mail. But that simple act brought on a vicious panic attack. I don;t know why getting the mail freaks me out. It started back in 2002 and it’s just never really gotten better. I might be able to get to the bottom of the things that are actually problems if I didn;t keep getting stuck with therapists who want to focus on what society thinks the problem is. I like being alone, I’m not broken that way, don;t try to fix me. I fear my mailbox to a psychotic degree, let’;s figure that one out.

Therapy is pointless. Least with the local therapists anyway. People who think wearing all black and listening to heavy metal are symptoms of a personality disorder need to die screaming.

I am a ray of fucking sunshine.

Makes me think of that Grumpy Cat where Death threatens to his eat his happiness…and the cats tells him he will starve. THAT is funny.

Pointless but funny.

God the depression has even tainted Grumpy Cat, thats just cruel and unusual.

Tainted. That’s me.

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