I…don’t…care

Yeah, that’s the deepest thought I can come up with at the moment.

I went to bed at a decent time last night, even took a Trazadone. The brain decided to go hyper and dredge up every anxiety inducing thought possible so I was awake til almost two. So when the alarm went off…I slept through six snoozes and it shut itself off. I leapt up at nine, not with joy, but because I was late calling my sick kid into school, plus I had to get her in with her doctor and oh yeah, the trash truck is outside so lemme go out in jammies freezing my ass off to do that real quick because my loser ass can’t drag itself out of bed.

That was how my day started.

But automaton mommy got it all done. My kid has a dual ear infection.  Explains a lot, except for why she complained about everything hurting including her pancreas but never said a word about the ears.

There is this misconception that up and functional is the same as not being depressed. That level of ignorance cracks me up. Yeah, I functioned, but it was automated. Built into the operating system. And while at the dr office I started getting nauseous and some lady was talking to my kid and my paranoid kicked in and told me the woman was too friendly and probably a kidnapping loony fish. Logically, I know I am being ridiculous. I hope. But the reality is, shit does happen and being a little wary isn’t unwise.

I functioned, but I was just…ill at ease. I love my kid and I want her to be healthy, but there was just no more feeling to the whole outing other than “do the mom thing”, And it’s like that with everything, even things I enjoy, not just things that cause me anxiety or whatever. I’m functioning and yet, the whole time, it;’s akin to a damn treadmill. Going nowhere. No real joy. Just…automated.

And I want it to end NOW. I hate feeling this way. And it’s honestly been a long time since I;ve had such a bad depression and ne that lasted this long. When you can’t come up with one thing to look forward to because nothing makes you nfeel happy…it’s not a great place to exist in.

I want to be happy. I want to have hope and joy. I want to think of the future with anticipation.

I.Just.Don’t.Care.

Famous last words of a depressive. Just like I told my shrink when she asked if I’m suicidal. I don’t have the energy to kill myself. That’;d require caring.,

And I.don’t.care.

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One Response to “I…don’t…care”

  1. Wonderful post I couldn’t have said it better.

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