Shrink wrapped

Started the day out with a panic attack. In my infinite depressive wisdom I hit the wrong button and shut the alarm off instead of pressing snooze. Woke up at 7:20 with only 18 mins to get my kid up, dressed, groomed, fed, bundled, and to the bus stop. I was freaking out and kicking myself. Getting up should not be that hard. But lately it has been and I don’t even take a sleeping pill at night. Anyway…I got her on the bus.

Then the anxiety continued to simmer and brew, as it always does prior to an appointment. I never know why. It’s always been like that for me. As the time neared, my hands got to shaking so bad I couldn’t type properly.

The appt went okay. The new doctor is simplistic but she’s very willing to keep trying until we find what will work for me. I like that. Though when she started rattling off anti depressants asking if they had worked…I felt like a moron because sooooo many have not worked. It’s easier to just ask what did cos it’s such a short list. So now..we’re gonna try this Viibryd. I don’t know much about it and I don’t care if it’s made out of pureed oompa loompas,I just don’t want this ickiness in my mind anymore. She asked what in my life has me so depressed. HELLO? It’s a disorder for a reason. Because nothing has to happen, there is no cause, it just is. My life is pretty much the same as always except for my depressive coma. Depression is a disorder with no real cause, but still, the professionals demand a reason. Idiocy be thy name.

In the half hour my mom babysat my kid so I could go…I went to pick her up and let’s see…Spook told her I did not feed her lunch. LIE. Mom said, :I brushed her hair out for you.” Yeah, cos i didnt’ think to do that today. Then “You really need to get cable so this child has something to watch.” The parting wisdom, “She acts up for you because you keep her locked in the house.”

By the time we got home, I was ready to hang myself since my own mother has such glowing things to say about my parenting ability. It can never be, oh, look, the kid is healthy and happy. Noooo, let’s nit pick every tiny fucking thing. And she wonders why I don’t visit.

Tonight is bleak. I am cold and that throws everything off. It’s like it’s in my bones and in my brain. I can’t think when I am cold. And between the shrink visit and my moms comments…I just feel like I am fighting a losinbg battle here. Why bother? Plus my mind has been very busy digging up the relationship graveyard, reminding me how all have failed and I am the common denominator so apparently I am too much of a mess to ever have any relationship. My brain sees I am down, so it starts kicking me with this shit.

I’d like one day to feel good. I told Becca earlier that I have felt so low for so long now I’d love to try ecstasy. Just to feel good for an hour. Drugs aren’t my thing, never were, so this has to indicate how desperate I am feeling. I just don’t want to feel sad and hopeless. The new med may help but they sure as hell dont kick in within a day or a week. I need to get out of this mental space NOW.

I turn 41 next Wednesday. Never in a million years would I have thought this is where I’d be. It;s depressing. Ha ha ha ha. I’m funny. Ish.

What do you expect, I’m taking pills made of pureed oompa loopmas.


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