Bored with the conventionality of proper English, I have concocted some of my own terminology which few others understand. “Grrr” is an all encompassing expression of frustration and anger.

It’s been an uneventful day and still, I find myself down in the gutter, annoyed, flustered and a little pissed off. I am not even sure why. Same shit, different day.

Went out into the petri dish for stuff. Yet again, my brain went bonkers and the paranoia and panic set in and I had to rush home and take a xanax. It’s become more frequent, this adverse reaction to being out in public. It’s never been my thing, going out, I’m semi agoraphobic even at my best. But this level of paranoia and anxiety is definitely new.

Then my dad called talking about how he’s going to look at a property there in Bumfuck (population 200) where he lives and see if he can buy it cheap then me and Spook can come pay him to live there because “You need out of that place.” This put me further on edge. I seem to be the only person who doesn’t have a problem living where we do. In fact, aside from the bug  problem, I am pretty content here. I get my cats, the landlord has never once bothered me, and  I have lots of space. These are the things that matter to me, not location or who is impressed by my address.

I know my dad means well and is thinking of a “better” home for his granddaughter but I have made it clear a thousand times I cannot live in Bumfuck. It’s 7 miles out of town. I cannot do it. I grew up that way, miles away from civilization, and I won’t do it ever again. Not to mention, even if he cut me a break on rent, I’d still have to have trash and water and all that so it’d cost me more when you factor in the price of gas to come into civilzation. I pointed this out and of course rather than think I might have some logic and free will he decided I was being rude and rejecting his kindness. Bloody hell, don’t be nice to me. I’m 41 years old and I am fine where I am at, even if no one is impressed with my posh surroundings. Fuck y’all.

The mood started crashing after the trip out..and it’s gotten worse. Earlier, I felt okay, was looking forward to getting some housework done and writing tonight. Now tonight is here, my kid is asleep…and my head hurts, I am sleepy, I am tired, I am in a foul mental space…It’s gonna be all I can do to get into the shower.

I was hit by a good example of what depression feels like when trying to explain it to those who don’t know. Take a super long day where you’ve been awake 19,20 hours, for whatever reason, and you;ve run around so much your muscles ache and you have a migraine and an upset stomach and you drank too much caffeine so your hands are shaking and everything is a goddamn effort from hell. Even lifting your own feet feels like they are encased in concrete.

Welcome to depression.


One Response to “GRRRRRRRRRR”

  1. That’s how I’ve been feeling for a while due to some crap happening in my boyfriend’s life.

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