I’ve been all over the mood gamut the last couple of days. Up, down, all around. Half ass functional one day, crash landing into lump form the next. Frustrating doesn’t begin to cover it. The lack of impact on the depression that the Cymbalta is having is pissing me off. I am sick of the meds failing. Trial and error is fine, but all I get is error and yet, the depression is real and it does not go away. It’s damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Today I had planned on going out. I even got dressed. But I could not make myself do it. I absolutely could not. I just watched TV shows all day and played Word Poker on Neopets. Spelling is the only thing I am truly good at and that game lets me get lost and not think about anything but letters and words. I’ve been hooked on it off and on for ten years. Sometimes I feel idiotic playing children’s games at my age but with mental illness, the name of the game is survival. The method isn’t as relevant as the end result. I’d put on a tutu and a cheese hat and dance a polka if it meant riding out the rough patches.

Tonight I am experiencing a sudden dip in my mood and my mental status. I am anxious, borderline panicky. My brain has returned to paranoia town and it is telling me all these little things that logically I know are not true and yet…I am fragile enough to let the thoughts squirm around my brain like the insidious fucks they are. Once I enter this mindspace, I am screwed. Until it passes, I am looking at reality through ten layers of gauze. There is only the distorted thoughts, seeming so real, so convincing, so debilitating. How I hate this mindspace.

But I took a xanax for the rising panic and all I can do now is ride it out like waiting out a bad storm. Just gotta wait for it to pass. Patience is not a virtue I possess so waiting is excrutiating for me. But there’;s nothing else to be done. It is what it is.

My mind has decided to go wonky and I am at its mercy. But it’s a vindictive bastard without mercy and I am its prisoner for the moment.

It’s too bad one can’t take a vacation from themselves. I think more than anything what I am more tired of is me. My mind and all its moods and anxieties and paranoid thoughts. The noise in my head never dies down, it never stops spinning. I want a break from myself.

3 Responses to “Wonky”

  1. Have you tried Prozac? It has helped me for years and years, just sayin-we all have different chemistry though… Your sense of humor is still in tact, friend! A great one! hehe… šŸ˜› Don’t give up…from one polar bear to another, sorry if that offends you-its a trademark of mine šŸ˜€ Day by day, we will get this, we will find it, and we will thrive! ā¤ love to you dear friend, tonite!!! *blessings*

    • I have a very short list of five anti deps that have ever worked and Prozac tops the list. I have been on it four separate times and it works great coming out of the gate. Like every other med, though, it conks out after a year or so. I do not have luck with meds. The list of failed ones is up to 17 now. Plus the ones that worked at one time and I try again no longer prove effective. It’s very grrr inducing.
      And no, being called a polar bear just makes me smile. It’s cute and so much better than “psycho hose beast”. šŸ™‚

      • There can be many factors why you have bad luck with meds. Send me an email when you get a chance, your experience could be helpful for others. Thanks!

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