12 degrees below functional

Mother Nature dumped 8 inches of snow and minus 12 degree temps on us. For two days, I did nothing. Well actually Sunday I did nothing. Yesterday I did make sure the car would start and did some housework. It feels like climbing a mountain to do the simplest things and honestly, it’s annoying. Want to feel more depressed? Take a blow to your self esteem by being so minimally functional even you yourself think you’re a loser.

Today brought little choice. Dug the car out of the snow. Went to the grocery store. That was a treat. I get there and my mind goes blank because being around others makes me feel so freaked out. Throw in the 4 year old Tasmanian devil and the simple errand threatens to send you to a locked ward.

I have been irritable, grumpy, quick to anger and  I HATE it. I don’t wanna be this way. Being this way makes me feel lousy. Yet even as I write this my kid is talking a mile a minute, yelling, threatening to kill me, squirming on the bed railing and ignoring everything I say. This makes me irritable. I threaten to ground her she says “Do it!” I stand her against the wall, she beats her fists against the wall until the clock falls to the floor. Why would I be stressed with a well behaved angel like this? But the angel face is all she shows everyone else and I just look like this immature and selfish woman who can;t handle a normal hyper kid.

I have cared for many other kids and NONE behaved this way toward me so I reject the notion it’;s just me being incapable of handling the situation. Unfortunately, I don’t know what the answer is. Everyone and their dog has stellar advice and I have tried it all. Because the angel obeys them they think the problem is with me. I’m not the greatest supermom but I make an effort only to have it stomped on daily and I am still here trying so my devotion cant be faulted.

I just wish I had stronger nerves, I wish I wasn’t so sensitive to noise, wish I was more patient, wish wish wish.

I don’t think the Cymbalta is working this time, at all. Yet half a year ago it was the wonder drug from heaven for me. What happened? I don;t want to start a new one,ffs. But I don’t accept that it is normal to feel this way and I do not accept that it can’t get better.

Two days of semi suck. One day of suckiness-ish. Makes me question if the dual mood stabilizer thing is doing anything since I can’t seem to maintain the same mood more than a few hours.


One Response to “12 degrees below functional”

  1. I read this and felt so much of what you’re going through. I am minimally functional now,too. What did I do today? I finished putting Most of the Christmas ornaments away. The day before? I took a shower. It just comes w/the territory. It’s not our fault. And mothering? I tended to beat myself up (and still do!) about that one. Now I have an almost 12yr. old granddaughter & I can easily blame myself for all her problems & challenges. I think acceptance helps me. Just throwing up my hands to the uni and saying “help”, or “I can’t” or “would you Please?” is many times all I can do. Then, things change! And then, things change. Love to You, Nana

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