What (new) fresh hell

Been running the mood gamut today.Started ok-ish. Then began slipping downward. Cramps complicated my motivation to venture into the petri dish. But I managed it. Avoided the closer store because it is always so packed and they run one cashier so a ten minute trip becomes an hour ordeal. What I failed to take into account was the fact it’s not only Saturday, but the forecast is calling for hella snow and negative temps so everyone and their dog was out stocking up.

The logic of going there-the most expensive place in town where all the upper crusties shop- is they accept payment for power bills. Thought I could grab a couple of things and pay that, save multiple stops. I did NOT anticipate the massive crowd and my panic response. I was jumpy and paranoid and crawling out of my skin. A simple errand, something others wouldn’t think twice about, became a living hell.

But I did burst into uncontrolled laughter when my kid announced she had to pee and I deposited her in front of the outer door…and she just yanked pants and undies down right there in front of all. I admonished, but I couldn’t stop laughing. It’s hard not to love the innocence and lack of inhibition kids have.

Later, I took my lithium, and even with food, I got deathly nauseous and my head ached. Then I ate more in spite of not being hungry and miraculously, I was cured. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

Mood lifted from low to less low. Now I don’t feel like doing anything, even typing this is feeling like work. Of course, a kid keeps you up til 3 am then is awake at 7 am, you tend to feel listless. I was hoping her return to school would mean a return to routine and her sleeping normally but now they’re talking  even more days off rather than have the kids out in the cold. I don;t disagree but her asking every single day for two weeks when it’s gonna be a school day makes me wish it was a school day.

I was ok yesterday. Today I was sub par. The instability in my own mind is making me insane. Yet with all the true crime stuff I watch, it’s pretty clear I am damned sane compared to these people who kill their kids and spouses or neighbors. I don’t feel sane.

I want to feel sane.

Screw lottery tickets. Just let me feel sane.


One Response to “What (new) fresh hell”

  1. Oh how your thoughts ring a bell so much with me! I went out Monday with my handicapped mom and thought I would die from feeling crowded as there was so many people. I ended up bingeing because of it! 😦 Which of course did not help my depression. But I started writing again and that always helps so I hope it gets better for you!

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