Archive for December, 2013

Moods in a Blender

Posted in biolar disorder with tags , on December 16, 2013 by morgueticiaatoms

Saturday was  a good day. Nothing happened. That made it great. No abrupt mood shifts, no panic attacks, no paranoia. Got stuff done without the moppet underfoot hindering me. Was not filled with self doubt and loathing.It was AWESOME. I live for uneventful days.

Yesterday was okay for awhile. Neutral, functioning. Even ventured into the petri dish, although I was irked that we got so much snow I had to hook up the sled dogs. Okay,creative license, I just had to dig my car out and in my uber preparedness…I had no ice scraper. I improvised and use the case from a Rob Zombie cd. Not optimal but it worked. More or less.

Toward the end of the day the clouds rolled in. I got cold. I got edgy. Dad brought Spook back. They decided to visit. I do not like anyone, family included, invading my safe space. It triggered anxiety and paranoia. I tried to paste on the happy face but I became a bundle of nerves and it was just like nails on a chalkboard.Ick. This is how I know I am not in my right mind. I am not social at all but when the paranoia and defensive anxiety set in…The mind is edging toward The Bad Place.

Still it was good to have my kid back. Evening became business as usual. Supper, shower, story, bed. Then I thought I would write.

My mood had other ideas. It crashed into the abyss. No reason. Just did. Trudged through necessity, curled up in bed, tossed and turned and my mind churned and dug up every single thing that sucks and could drive me insane.Joy. Finally zonked out…Only to wake at 1:30 am. I was too cold to bother moving.So we did two more hours of toss and turn and mental self torture. (Gotta love how the mind knows how to twist a knife so artfully, reminding you of that time in sixth grade when you looked at Susie Q’s test because you were too busy listening to Madonna to study.) All for the culminating effort of convincing you that you are a bad person and should kill yourself as a public service.

It’s all  depressive ass trash. The depressed brain LIES constantly. I’m not a great person but in the words of Malcolm Reynolds from Firefly…I’m ok.

Ok will work.

Today…the jury is still out. Not liking this bus stop deal with my kid. I do not like the cold, I do not like waiting with other people who are not friendly, don’t like. But I am sucking it up. Like when they brought her home wearing pink COWGIRL boots. Omfg. It’s an affront to all that I hold dear. But hey, she likes them and they’re her feet and I didn’t have to pay for them so whatever…It’s been 41 years coming but it seems I am finally growing the fuck up and getting over myself. It’s a relief. Life is less suckage when you realize there are things in it bigger than you. Like putting yourself aside because you love something else so much more.

Except when my mood is vile then I am, as the donor called me, a nasty piece of work. I own it.

I’m figuring in a week, I’m gonna be a nasty piece of work. Cryptmas does not bring out my best. I did put a tree up for my kid. But the family stuff and all the materialism and religious connotations…I could pass. I am a grinch. Speaking of, I bought a Grinch t-shirt. I think I will wear it to the family thing. It’s green so it’s festive.

That’s my story and I am sticking to it. Til the next mood swing.

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Unaware

Posted in biolar disorder with tags , , , on December 14, 2013 by morgueticiaatoms

My dad took my kid for two days to do some holiday stuff. I’ve been yearning for a break for ages. I was going to do this and that, including write in my story I’ve been obsessively working on for 2 months…

Then BAM! Mood shift. No cause. No warning. I’m just caught unaware yet again. I am trying to find it and it’s not happening. I am back in sit and stare off into space territory.

It’s making me anxious because I so rarely get time to myself, or at least time to do my own thing and not feel like a bad mom. Tick tock goes the clock. I need to DO something. Now. I have the time.

Why won’t my brain cooperate? I survived another week,ffs. I deserve a little unwind time. Why did the mood shift now of all times? Not a single thing happened. I ate nothing, drank nothing, saw no one. Just suddenly…the mental space I was in earlier…

has become THIS.

Earlier I felt half heartedly functional, even faced the mail box and went grocery shopping.

Now…

I am vacant. I am nothing. I cannot describe how I feel because I feel nothing but low and lower because I don’t even know why I feel this way. And society demands an explanation. The living hell is that with mental illness, especially mood disorders, more often than not there is no reason and no amount of trying to find some mythological trigger is going to help. This is the nature of the beast.

THIS is why I get so defensive about people copping an attitude toward me over this disorder. They think it;s some crutch to avoid things I don’t like.

Fact is it impacts every aspect of my existence, including the things that I love.

What is galling me more than anything now is that I didn;t see it coming. I was once again caught unaware.

The Transient Mind

Posted in mental illness with tags , , , on December 11, 2013 by morgueticiaatoms

Sunday and Monday I was barely functioning.

Tuesday things shifted and I took out trash and dared to face the mailbox. I was functioning but still in that dark place. I went to a darker place come evening where I just wanted to be warm and stare at tv.

Wednesday-today- I am functioning but at a low level again. I did dishes, but I am avoiding the mail box and regarding the phone as toxic waste.

Four days. Four different mind frames. Like a homeless person who never settles at an address and just keeps moving from place to place.

The transient mind.

I have no idea where it will be tomorrow, which is irritating to others, but their irritation cannot trump my own frustration. It’s hard to have a life when the one place you’re supposed to be in control of-your own mind- is the one thing that is constantly changing the locale on you. Whether you like or dislike someone. Whether you feel confident or insecure. Whether you have a good sense of humor or are humorless. Whether you are vibrant and energetic and charismatic and fun..Or whether you are quiet, withdrawn, listless and a husk of yourself.

People who meet me during my manic;/stable period generally like me, think I am wacky and fun.

People who meet me during the bad seasonal depressions find me depressing, aloof, cranky, and no fun.

People who know both sides of me prefer the fun side and have no use for the sad side. The few who tolerate me make that much clear, including my own family.

It’s like having a split personality at times. I never know who I am. The seasonal phases are a gauge but not constant because the meds fail or fuck you up and it can throw you into either side of polarity. You’re never sure what way is up.

So when I am subjected to,secondhand, a ‘pep talk’ given to a depressed friend by their friend who claims to know what depression is like…It makes me irate. Ignorant people are the bane of my existence. If you want to understand something, LEARN about it. And get off your high horse just because something worked for you and you’re pissy that it’s not working for others. Personally I think zoloft should be dumped into hell to melt in the burning pits because it messed me up so bad…Not ruining it for all the people it helps, tho. EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT.

So why oh why can the ignorant sheeple not get it?

And why am I bent over something that didn’t happen to me personally?

Because my mood has shifted yet again and now paranoia is creeping in, assuring me people are indeed out to offend me, out to get me, and the second I think they’re not, I’m gonna be emotionally eviscerated. I know it’s wrong but it’s actually proven right so many times that shutting it off is not in my skill set these days.

Who knows where the transient that is my mind will relocate to next. I never do so I can’t give you a heads up. So if there’s a message in this post…

If you’re kind enough not to judge homeless people…Be kind enough not to judge those of us with wandering, transient minds. We’re just down on our luck, too.

The Bad Place

Posted in depression with tags , , on December 10, 2013 by morgueticiaatoms

I am in the bad bad bad place in my mind right now. Paranoid, suspicious, nervous, SCARED. I am literally scared to leave my home. I feel fragile and like everyone is out to get me. No amount of logic and reasoning is helping. I think I am losing my mind.

My skin is crawling off my bones.

It’s been such a bucket of suck day mentally. My brain is not working properly. It is sending messages that are wrong.

So if I am cognizant enough to figure that out, why can’t I talk myself out of all the bullshit going on in my head?

I’ve gotten two texts and I am TERRIFIED to even open them. I don’t wanna be criticized, bitched at, or questioned by R. I pissed him off again and rather than just leaving me be, he continues to engage and I just want him gone. Out of my consciousness. Because the LAST thing I need as I sit here thinking I am losing my mind is an unsupportive bully making me feel even worse.

How is possible to feel this shitty without leaving the house? I think it kinda blows that idiot counselor’s borderline diagnosis out the door because borderline responds to thinks that are happening. My mood changes for no good reason. Random. Nothing bad even happened to send me to The Bad Place.

I have GOT to become functional again or they will take my kid away. And aside from not taking her to school, I am tending to her needs. She is fed, bathed, clothed, has her medication. But the world doesn’t accept sort of functional. It requires full functioning. That isn’t me right now. It will pass, bipolar has taught me that. But when? And how many bridges will I have burned by the time I return to my right mind?

I hate this more than anyone can possibly know. It’s beaten me down so far I don’t even care if I live or die anymore. I’m useless by the world’s standards because I can never be the one thing it needs me to be:stable. So I will never measure up, seems stupid to even bother trying.

I watched a show tonight and it said “Play your own game, then you won’t be worried about someone elses game and be on the defensive all the time.”

It makes sense.  But what IS my game? Survival. Just trying to stay afloat. And how do you not think about the games belonging to others when getting by in society depends on successfully interacting with others?

I don’t get the social thing. At all.

My ear is itching.Someone is talking about me.

Fuck.

I did come to a conclusion tonight. I am my own worst enemy. Because in a way, intentional or not, I do sabotage most relationships. All my life I’ve been barraged with what everyone thinks is wrong with me. So I put in all those years in counseling changing everything but my eye color but everyone around me got to remain the same and keep all their shitty qualities that make me nuts. It’s made me rabid about people making an effort to change when they have flaws. And I guess my expectations are the catalyst because most people dont even think they have flaws let alone want to fix them.

It’s fucked up. “Don’t expect others to change to please you.”

But all I get is, “You’d be awesome if you’d just not be depressed…don’t panic…You’re great but you…”

I think I have earned every ounce of fucked upness I have considering the ass trash people around me. Oh, wait, I’m shirking responsibility by blaming people for their shitty behavior.

Fuck social stuff.

And fuck whatever is in my brain sending these damn messages making me too paranoid and scared to open the front door.

Spaced

Posted in biolar disorder with tags , , on December 9, 2013 by morgueticiaatoms

Basically shut down today. Didn’t even send my kid to school. She’s fed and dressed, cats are fed and watered..Nothing else matters.

So I sit and stare off into space. Here but not here. Chain smoking. Wanting to be anyone but me because I am so damn sick of this shit. Haunted by the peanut gallery of others’ thoughts stampeded through my brain, reminding me I am a loser and I don’t even try and I am a lost cause blah blah blah.

Because this mood shit has enhanced my life so much. This is my idea of a good time, to never feel the same two days in a row, to never know if I hate something or if it is just a bad mood. I am tired of the paranoia, the anxiety, the uncertainty.

They say if you don’t like something about your life, get off your ass and change it.

I take bloody meds, I try to be self aware, I’ve done the counseling. None of it cures what’s wrong. It’s not possible to cure mental illness. just manage it.

And managing it is as difficult as having it because the meds quit working or you change due to side effects or…

Ass trash.

I need to do some things and yet…staring off into space seems to be the order of the day. It doesn’t happen often but sometimes, a whole day will pass with me doing little more than minimal functioning and lots of space time. Kinda like physical pain you just have to ride out and it will pass or at least not suck as much.

But mental illness doesn’t receive the legitimacy of physical illness. You don’t get allowances for bad mental days. In fact, people scoff and laugh at the notion. Because you’re supposed to be stronger than that, everyone has bad days, yada yada.

Soo sick of it all.

Bitch of it is, in a few months, I will be a completely different person in a different mental space and this dark place will seem distant.

For now though it is all encompassing and it sucks and I just wish I could give myself a home lobotomy and fix it and make myself socially palatable because this being shunned for having an illness thing blows goats.

Crash crash puke

Posted in biolar disorder with tags , , on December 9, 2013 by morgueticiaatoms

My day has been shit. Nothing horrendous happened. In fact, snow made me not even leave the house.

But mentally? Basketcase. Itchy and twitchy with nerves. Sinking feeling in my gut. No reason to have hope.

My meds made me nauseous and I puked for the first time in ages. Then fought narcolepsy for three hours with my kid vying for the battery bunny title.

Everything is a mess and I wanna be positive and convince myself otherwise but I am a realist. I am a trainwreck at the moment and no one is exactly lifting a finger to help, they just want to judge and tell me to suck it up. Which is driving me further underground mentally.

I haven’t showered since Friday. My laundry remains unfolded, dishes unwashed. Feed kid, feed cats, that’s my level of functionality at the moment.

I have all these people in my head, telling me to get over it, grow up, tough it out…and I just want to exorcise the fuckers like demons. Because that’s how it feels, like all these demons in my head bullying me.

Which personality disorder covers that particular emotion? Doesn’t matter because ten different therapists and doctors would just give ten different diagnoses and confuse me even more. Not sure that is possible, I am baffled right now by everything.

Let it all burn. Save my kid, save me and let it all fucking burn.

Yeah, it’s been that kind of day. Brain reboot should help. But I’m not Matlock so I am not going to be at 6pm. Still I do hope sleep will make me wake up in a better mood.

Cramps say shark week is coming so chances are…It’s only gonna get worse mentally.

 

Deja Mental Voodoo

Posted in biolar disorder with tags , , on December 7, 2013 by morgueticiaatoms

I definitely have a feeling I have been here before. Because I have so many bloody times. Almost two years of high functionality, enough to appear well to everyone…And from out of nowhere, the slip and slide starts..and before I know it, down the rabbit hole. Meanwhile everyone around me is standing around with their judgments and declaring me lazy or unmotivated or not interested in helping myself.

For fuck’s sake if I could help myself, I’d never experience a depression again. It’s called an illness for a reason.

I am so tired of the pressure to perform, to be what they want me to be when it has nothing to do with who I am. It’s started another war again because I shut down and of course certain people think they are far too important to be blown off for something as silly as me facedown in the mental gutter. People who think this is a choice.

Ass trash.

I forced myself to go to Wal-Mart today. First time in three months. I didn’t factor in the holiday thing. It was packed and I began to freak out. My heart was ricocheting off the walls of my chest. I became hostile and agitated and my kid of course chooses that time to act out..And I see all these happy people buyingg all these christmas gifts and they are so calm and cheerful and patient with their kids…

And I felt about the size of a flea.

Came straight home.

Things get much better when I am in safe space, at least anxiety wise.

The depression is still there.Fuck the holidays. (Hellidays, as I call them.) Fuck everything. I see no light at the end of the tunnel, no hope, everything sucks and it is too hard and pointless and…

Of course now I’m going to psychoanalyze myself over my own feelings and slap some happy little personality disorder label on it because no one cuts me any slack therefore I can’t cut myself any.

I curse the day that ANY of this mental stuff was introduced to my consciousness. I’d have been perfectly happy to go through life assuming I was just a weirdo. Weirdos get more consideration than the mentally ill.

Right now, it’s just a black abyss of hate and sad and depressed.

But the voodoo is that in a few months, like magic, it will all lift and I will once again be a totally different person, this shell of negativity and misery forgotten for a few months.

I will however have burned so many bridges by then it won’t matter. Yet if these people calling themselves friends and family would BACK OFF for awhile and let me do the struggling thing that is called depression, then when I emerge all could just move on as usual.

Yet that is not allowed, they dictate that my functionality must be consistent, must be up to their level, must be must be must be. MUST MUST MUST!

There have been certain points as of late when I have pondered whether signing into the mental ward might be a viable option.I am floundering her and I have no help, no support, and I am trying so goddamn hard and yet surrounded by those who say I am making no effort…If it weren’t for my kid I probably would have already done the hospital bit. But my devotion to her and my cats is pretty motivating…I don’t get why it can’t motivate past the depression but then, it never could. I would go two weeks without a shower, wear dirty clothes, live on nothing but chips, but my cat never went hungry and always had a clean box.

I excel at taking care of everyone but myself.

My current ocd thought is the whole borderline personality disorder versus bipolar disorder thing. I hate that counselor for putting it into my head after I had already discussed it with two doctors and another counselor and been assured I was pure bipolar. That little twit tells me I meet all the criterion and now every single thought I have, every action, EVERYTHING comes back to “did i get the wrong diagnosis again?” I mean, what if the meds never work long because the problem is just that I suck?

Speaking of her, I haven’t opened any of the mail the counseling place has sent because well, the mail thing makes me panic. I avoid. Not healthy or mature, but it is what it is. I wonder if she’s reporting me as uncooperative therefore I can’t truly be ill.  But between the borderline thing and then her sending messages to me via my family because she counsels my brother…there’s no way in hell I am going to cooperate. I like to keep my mental health issues separate from my family and I can’t very well do that if she sees my brother and tells him and my stepmom to relay a message to me. Technically it violates my confidentiality rights even if we all knew about it.

It’s like, can one more thing go wrong to make 2013 suck even more?

And that concludes the bitch and moan portion of the afternoon.

At least the part any of you lot have to be subjected to :p