My mind, the traitor

The roller coaster ride continues. Yesterday I was less low and super functional, at least toward house work. By mid afternoon, spontaneous panic attacks set in. No trigger. Mood went lower. Motivation vanished. Paranoia commenced. Anxiety ran rampant.

I’d had an okay day. Not great but I at least felt like I was accomplishing something and no longer wished for death. (It was almost 60 degrees out yesterday and I keep thinking if that’s what sparked the functional spurt, maybe it’s nothing to do with lack of sunlight, maybe a lack of warmth feeds my seasonal depression.)

To go from that functional to the gutter, hyperventilating every ten minutes for no good reason…It’s galling. It’s offensive. It’s angering.

My own mind, and its fucked up chemicals, is a traitor. It gives me brief glimpse of normalcy, lulls me into a false sense of security, then it changes the damned game on me when I least expect it. Words cannot convey how much I hate it.

I want a new brain.

 

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One Response to “My mind, the traitor”

  1. Me, too. Hope we all have a Happier New Year!

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