The Blessed Hellride

Another day of mental suckage.

My kingdom to just wake up and not think, “Damn, I didn’t die in my sleep again.”

It sounds trivial. It is not trivial. To always feel like there’s an anchor around your neck , tugging you under the surface of the water, never able to get enough air, always afloat yet yearning for land.

Hellride.

Anxiety and stimuli overload. On the phone, computer froze up, cat climbing my shoulders and my kid in my face demanding I get off the phone and talking the whole time so I can’t hear what my dad is saying…My brain nearly imploded. I am super sensitive to stimulation and so many things going on at once is hard for me to juggle.

Forced myself to scrape off ice and snow and go out.

My mood just stayed low. Even when my kid went to bed and I had quiet and was able to write…It just never improved. Five days in a row. Paranoia has returned with a vengeance. I swear things are moving when they are not. Feel like bugs are crawling on me but I can’t see anything. I feel like I am losing my mind. I am so disjointed and lifeless and in a total downward spiral. I tried to tell the shrink and she just says to push myself. It’s so offensive and frustrating to be asking for help…and get a brick wall of optimism and denial.

Right now, I feel a little hypomanic, my legs are shaking and I am fidgety. An hour ago I was sleepy and lethargic. I have done nothing to trigger any of  it. Nothing, not food, not caffeine, nothing. Nothing catastrophic or euphoric happened around me. It’s so damned random. No rhyme or reason.

Hellride.

One day I am content even though depressed. One day I am despondent and hopeless. But never am I really up or happy. And I am very disappointed because last time on Cymbalta I excelled. It was amazing, even if it made me manic and I spent way too much money and got way too happy. This time…less than nothing. And I am not prepared to give up yet because I know all too well with the seasonal depression and holidays it may not even be Cymbalta’s failure, it may just be up an opponent no med can beat.

Am I even making sense? I have no idea. I’m going crazy, obviously. Maybe I was crazy all along.

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One Response to “The Blessed Hellride”

  1. I’m with the crazy people, you’re sane.

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