Abysmal

I’ve been in the  barely functional grips of the depressive abyss for four days now. Everything is a bloody uphill battle. The anxiety and paranoia have chipped in to make it suck even more. It’s bad when I can’t even work up a good rant for this blog. I just feel like it’s all pointless, hopeless. And I know it’s the depression but it doesn’t change a thing.

I saw the shrink the other day. I had hope for this new one. I was wrong. She upped my Cymbalta (which for some reason isn’t do anything and yet last time it did wonders) and told me no matter how depressed I am I have to push myself and be high functioning. I’m sitting there telling her I’m pretty certain there’s no reason to live…And she says to push myself. Not helpful. If anything it was counterproductive. I ended up feeling like more of a loser because I AM pushing myself and it’s not doing any good.

Part of me thinks pushing myself is what landed me here. I didn’t take a breath after the donor left, I just focused on doing whatever had to be done for my kid, focused on doing what others expected me to do. I didn’t grieve the loss of my marriage. I didn’t come to terms with my illness. I went on auto pilot and spent 2 years pushing myself. And I pushed until I started to crumble and I pushed more and more…Until the illness pushed back and I shut down. Then a so called friend tried to drag me out of the abyss by telling me to push myself…and i tried to please them…and I went further down the rabbit hole.

Pushing myself has not proven healthy or successful.

My kid is testing my patience to a degree that makes me scared. She hits me and screams at me and gets in my face. She tried to stab me with an ink pen. I honestly fear her at times. She displays the hyper aggressive behavior I’ve seen in boys diagnosed with ADHD. I dont want to slap labels on her at four, but I am in over my head here as far as her behavior goes. It is ONLY for me. This is some sort of issue she has with me and for the life of me I don’t know what it is. I’ve done nothing but damn near kill myself trying to be a good mom and take care of her. I gotta be a really horrid person for my kid to hate me this much.

Then I remember she has my genetics and wonder if she’s bipolar junior. And then I get a glimpse at what it must be like for people in a relationship with me. I love you, I hate you, don’t leave me, get the fuck away from me..Up and down and all around. But if it were some sort of imbalance or disorder, it would happen with others. She reserves this side of herself for me and me alone. It wears me down. I have no recourse. I do every single thing suggested, what others do..To no avail. But she’s glued to me from morning to night, she seems to love me, I make her laugh…Its baffling. I am leaning toward counseling, thinking maybe this is related to her father walking out so abruptly and his continued absence.

I just feel like I am drowning. Drowning in responsibility, in emotion, in frustration, anxiety, mood swings, everything. The hellidays do not make it any better. It is going to be a slim Christmas. I am buying for no one but my kid and I haven’t bought a thing yet. Not a thing. I can’t handle the crowded stores. I am gonna do it, but it…It’s gonna be an ordeal.

I didn’t even get dressed today. We had an ice storm and I wasn’t going anywhere so I saw no point. And having been told to push myself, as if what I had accomplished in spite of my depression didnt count, has made me less inclined to fight the depression.

I hate being in the abyss, but it truly is a state of mind. People think moods are just these simple things to snap out of. Buy some pretty shoes, eat some ice cream, all better. It’s not that easy. This is like some drug induced state. It will lift when it lifts and not one second sooner no matter how hard you push or how many shoes you buy. It’s hard. It’s maddening. It’s also lonely to be surrounded by people who just don’t care because they lack the intelligence to get it.

For the first time ever my dad mentioned his grandma who died in an asylum. He asked if I thought maybe it was her genes that made my brother ADHD and my cousin autistic. DUH. He completely blew off the possibility anything is wrong with me. Sure, I’m on disability because all is hunky fuckin dory.

GRRRR.

I think being intelligent and having a mental illness is a curse. People mistake mental illness as being some sort of intelligence deficit. Therefore if you’re smart you can’t be ill. Ass trash.

Low. Low. Low.

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