Moods in a Blender

Saturday was  a good day. Nothing happened. That made it great. No abrupt mood shifts, no panic attacks, no paranoia. Got stuff done without the moppet underfoot hindering me. Was not filled with self doubt and loathing.It was AWESOME. I live for uneventful days.

Yesterday was okay for awhile. Neutral, functioning. Even ventured into the petri dish, although I was irked that we got so much snow I had to hook up the sled dogs. Okay,creative license, I just had to dig my car out and in my uber preparedness…I had no ice scraper. I improvised and use the case from a Rob Zombie cd. Not optimal but it worked. More or less.

Toward the end of the day the clouds rolled in. I got cold. I got edgy. Dad brought Spook back. They decided to visit. I do not like anyone, family included, invading my safe space. It triggered anxiety and paranoia. I tried to paste on the happy face but I became a bundle of nerves and it was just like nails on a chalkboard.Ick. This is how I know I am not in my right mind. I am not social at all but when the paranoia and defensive anxiety set in…The mind is edging toward The Bad Place.

Still it was good to have my kid back. Evening became business as usual. Supper, shower, story, bed. Then I thought I would write.

My mood had other ideas. It crashed into the abyss. No reason. Just did. Trudged through necessity, curled up in bed, tossed and turned and my mind churned and dug up every single thing that sucks and could drive me insane.Joy. Finally zonked out…Only to wake at 1:30 am. I was too cold to bother moving.So we did two more hours of toss and turn and mental self torture. (Gotta love how the mind knows how to twist a knife so artfully, reminding you of that time in sixth grade when you looked at Susie Q’s test because you were too busy listening to Madonna to study.) All for the culminating effort of convincing you that you are a bad person and should kill yourself as a public service.

It’s all  depressive ass trash. The depressed brain LIES constantly. I’m not a great person but in the words of Malcolm Reynolds from Firefly…I’m ok.

Ok will work.

Today…the jury is still out. Not liking this bus stop deal with my kid. I do not like the cold, I do not like waiting with other people who are not friendly, don’t like. But I am sucking it up. Like when they brought her home wearing pink COWGIRL boots. Omfg. It’s an affront to all that I hold dear. But hey, she likes them and they’re her feet and I didn’t have to pay for them so whatever…It’s been 41 years coming but it seems I am finally growing the fuck up and getting over myself. It’s a relief. Life is less suckage when you realize there are things in it bigger than you. Like putting yourself aside because you love something else so much more.

Except when my mood is vile then I am, as the donor called me, a nasty piece of work. I own it.

I’m figuring in a week, I’m gonna be a nasty piece of work. Cryptmas does not bring out my best. I did put a tree up for my kid. But the family stuff and all the materialism and religious connotations…I could pass. I am a grinch. Speaking of, I bought a Grinch t-shirt. I think I will wear it to the family thing. It’s green so it’s festive.

That’s my story and I am sticking to it. Til the next mood swing.

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3 Responses to “Moods in a Blender”

  1. Christmas can be a carnival to sit out until it’s over for those of us who are of the “I’d rather not” set. I had a panic attack before going to see my granddaughter in The Nutcracker. If i didn’t have kids, I’d skip it altogether..you’re not alone, but wouldn’t it be nice…here’s to getting through it all!

    • I forgot my kid’s Christmas pageant. Part of me wonders if it was unconscious because it was being held in an unfamiliar place, an auditorium, with hundreds of people. I was willing to try it but…Maybe I got panic induced amnesia as a method of self protection.
      Let the hellidays pass quickly.

      • i think you’re right about ‘panic induced amnesia”. i’ve had that many times. Used to beat myself up about it, but we have it once in a while. Goes along with territory, so to speak. It will soon be over! At least my granddaughter has a good time. It’s all about the kids!

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