Unaware

My dad took my kid for two days to do some holiday stuff. I’ve been yearning for a break for ages. I was going to do this and that, including write in my story I’ve been obsessively working on for 2 months…

Then BAM! Mood shift. No cause. No warning. I’m just caught unaware yet again. I am trying to find it and it’s not happening. I am back in sit and stare off into space territory.

It’s making me anxious because I so rarely get time to myself, or at least time to do my own thing and not feel like a bad mom. Tick tock goes the clock. I need to DO something. Now. I have the time.

Why won’t my brain cooperate? I survived another week,ffs. I deserve a little unwind time. Why did the mood shift now of all times? Not a single thing happened. I ate nothing, drank nothing, saw no one. Just suddenly…the mental space I was in earlier…

has become THIS.

Earlier I felt half heartedly functional, even faced the mail box and went grocery shopping.

Now…

I am vacant. I am nothing. I cannot describe how I feel because I feel nothing but low and lower because I don’t even know why I feel this way. And society demands an explanation. The living hell is that with mental illness, especially mood disorders, more often than not there is no reason and no amount of trying to find some mythological trigger is going to help. This is the nature of the beast.

THIS is why I get so defensive about people copping an attitude toward me over this disorder. They think it;s some crutch to avoid things I don’t like.

Fact is it impacts every aspect of my existence, including the things that I love.

What is galling me more than anything now is that I didn;t see it coming. I was once again caught unaware.

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5 Responses to “Unaware”

  1. You’ve been through too much. I hope things become easier for you.
    =^..^=

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