The Transient Mind

Sunday and Monday I was barely functioning.

Tuesday things shifted and I took out trash and dared to face the mailbox. I was functioning but still in that dark place. I went to a darker place come evening where I just wanted to be warm and stare at tv.

Wednesday-today- I am functioning but at a low level again. I did dishes, but I am avoiding the mail box and regarding the phone as toxic waste.

Four days. Four different mind frames. Like a homeless person who never settles at an address and just keeps moving from place to place.

The transient mind.

I have no idea where it will be tomorrow, which is irritating to others, but their irritation cannot trump my own frustration. It’s hard to have a life when the one place you’re supposed to be in control of-your own mind- is the one thing that is constantly changing the locale on you. Whether you like or dislike someone. Whether you feel confident or insecure. Whether you have a good sense of humor or are humorless. Whether you are vibrant and energetic and charismatic and fun..Or whether you are quiet, withdrawn, listless and a husk of yourself.

People who meet me during my manic;/stable period generally like me, think I am wacky and fun.

People who meet me during the bad seasonal depressions find me depressing, aloof, cranky, and no fun.

People who know both sides of me prefer the fun side and have no use for the sad side. The few who tolerate me make that much clear, including my own family.

It’s like having a split personality at times. I never know who I am. The seasonal phases are a gauge but not constant because the meds fail or fuck you up and it can throw you into either side of polarity. You’re never sure what way is up.

So when I am subjected to,secondhand, a ‘pep talk’ given to a depressed friend by their friend who claims to know what depression is like…It makes me irate. Ignorant people are the bane of my existence. If you want to understand something, LEARN about it. And get off your high horse just because something worked for you and you’re pissy that it’s not working for others. Personally I think zoloft should be dumped into hell to melt in the burning pits because it messed me up so bad…Not ruining it for all the people it helps, tho. EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT.

So why oh why can the ignorant sheeple not get it?

And why am I bent over something that didn’t happen to me personally?

Because my mood has shifted yet again and now paranoia is creeping in, assuring me people are indeed out to offend me, out to get me, and the second I think they’re not, I’m gonna be emotionally eviscerated. I know it’s wrong but it’s actually proven right so many times that shutting it off is not in my skill set these days.

Who knows where the transient that is my mind will relocate to next. I never do so I can’t give you a heads up. So if there’s a message in this post…

If you’re kind enough not to judge homeless people…Be kind enough not to judge those of us with wandering, transient minds. We’re just down on our luck, too.

One Response to “The Transient Mind”

  1. I feel the same. Sometimes crazy because I don’t know where my mind is going to be tomorrow. :/

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