The Bad Place

I am in the bad bad bad place in my mind right now. Paranoid, suspicious, nervous, SCARED. I am literally scared to leave my home. I feel fragile and like everyone is out to get me. No amount of logic and reasoning is helping. I think I am losing my mind.

My skin is crawling off my bones.

It’s been such a bucket of suck day mentally. My brain is not working properly. It is sending messages that are wrong.

So if I am cognizant enough to figure that out, why can’t I talk myself out of all the bullshit going on in my head?

I’ve gotten two texts and I am TERRIFIED to even open them. I don’t wanna be criticized, bitched at, or questioned by R. I pissed him off again and rather than just leaving me be, he continues to engage and I just want him gone. Out of my consciousness. Because the LAST thing I need as I sit here thinking I am losing my mind is an unsupportive bully making me feel even worse.

How is possible to feel this shitty without leaving the house? I think it kinda blows that idiot counselor’s borderline diagnosis out the door because borderline responds to thinks that are happening. My mood changes for no good reason. Random. Nothing bad even happened to send me to The Bad Place.

I have GOT to become functional again or they will take my kid away. And aside from not taking her to school, I am tending to her needs. She is fed, bathed, clothed, has her medication. But the world doesn’t accept sort of functional. It requires full functioning. That isn’t me right now. It will pass, bipolar has taught me that. But when? And how many bridges will I have burned by the time I return to my right mind?

I hate this more than anyone can possibly know. It’s beaten me down so far I don’t even care if I live or die anymore. I’m useless by the world’s standards because I can never be the one thing it needs me to be:stable. So I will never measure up, seems stupid to even bother trying.

I watched a show tonight and it said “Play your own game, then you won’t be worried about someone elses game and be on the defensive all the time.”

It makes sense.  But what IS my game? Survival. Just trying to stay afloat. And how do you not think about the games belonging to others when getting by in society depends on successfully interacting with others?

I don’t get the social thing. At all.

My ear is itching.Someone is talking about me.

Fuck.

I did come to a conclusion tonight. I am my own worst enemy. Because in a way, intentional or not, I do sabotage most relationships. All my life I’ve been barraged with what everyone thinks is wrong with me. So I put in all those years in counseling changing everything but my eye color but everyone around me got to remain the same and keep all their shitty qualities that make me nuts. It’s made me rabid about people making an effort to change when they have flaws. And I guess my expectations are the catalyst because most people dont even think they have flaws let alone want to fix them.

It’s fucked up. “Don’t expect others to change to please you.”

But all I get is, “You’d be awesome if you’d just not be depressed…don’t panic…You’re great but you…”

I think I have earned every ounce of fucked upness I have considering the ass trash people around me. Oh, wait, I’m shirking responsibility by blaming people for their shitty behavior.

Fuck social stuff.

And fuck whatever is in my brain sending these damn messages making me too paranoid and scared to open the front door.

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One Response to “The Bad Place”

  1. I can spend entire weeks in the “Bad Place”. Too afraid to even leave my room. I sleep with “weapons” under my pillow (rubber painter’s mallet or a torch) “in case they break in”. My blood sugar levels drop to seriously dangerous levels because I don’t eat, and because I don’t eat I don’t need to go to the bathroom. Which I wouldn’t get up for either anyway.

    I totally and completely get where you are coming from. And it really sucks that I can’t help somehow.

    I love you darling. I guess that’s all I can say for now.

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