Spaced

Basically shut down today. Didn’t even send my kid to school. She’s fed and dressed, cats are fed and watered..Nothing else matters.

So I sit and stare off into space. Here but not here. Chain smoking. Wanting to be anyone but me because I am so damn sick of this shit. Haunted by the peanut gallery of others’ thoughts stampeded through my brain, reminding me I am a loser and I don’t even try and I am a lost cause blah blah blah.

Because this mood shit has enhanced my life so much. This is my idea of a good time, to never feel the same two days in a row, to never know if I hate something or if it is just a bad mood. I am tired of the paranoia, the anxiety, the uncertainty.

They say if you don’t like something about your life, get off your ass and change it.

I take bloody meds, I try to be self aware, I’ve done the counseling. None of it cures what’s wrong. It’s not possible to cure mental illness. just manage it.

And managing it is as difficult as having it because the meds quit working or you change due to side effects or…

Ass trash.

I need to do some things and yet…staring off into space seems to be the order of the day. It doesn’t happen often but sometimes, a whole day will pass with me doing little more than minimal functioning and lots of space time. Kinda like physical pain you just have to ride out and it will pass or at least not suck as much.

But mental illness doesn’t receive the legitimacy of physical illness. You don’t get allowances for bad mental days. In fact, people scoff and laugh at the notion. Because you’re supposed to be stronger than that, everyone has bad days, yada yada.

Soo sick of it all.

Bitch of it is, in a few months, I will be a completely different person in a different mental space and this dark place will seem distant.

For now though it is all encompassing and it sucks and I just wish I could give myself a home lobotomy and fix it and make myself socially palatable because this being shunned for having an illness thing blows goats.

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5 Responses to “Spaced”

  1. dickens69 Says:

    I have been feeling how you describe today as well. It sucks doesnt it. Maybe it helps to know there are others out there feeling similar, maybe not, either way great post!

    • It helps a lot, especially since I have zero support system in my real life. Spent too many years feeling like a freak and like I’m the only one going through this stuff. It truly does help to know others get it.Though I honestly wish none of us had to understand this living hell.

  2. I’m here with ya too! You said it sooo well!

  3. We all love you darling.

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