That’s how I feel constantly now. Garbled. I tried once to explain it to a doctor but she just thought I was turning schizophrenic and hearing voices. Hardly. It’s more like pulling three or four different radio stations in the same spot on the dial. (A reference lost to anyone under my age, certainly. Yes, kids, radios used to have dials and knobs and we used dinosaur tails as an antenna.)

But sometimes the thought process in my mind is like that, three or four songs playing on the same frequency. It goes beyond multi tasking. This is like circuit overload because you can’t devote any focus, you’;ve got to split it in ten different directions.

I had a high functioning day Tuesday. Now I am slipping into the abyss. Ebb and flow of my disorder. Which everyone around me still refuses to acknowledge, they just keep telling me I am moody or lazy or my personality is bad and I use mental illness as an excuse. This is as helpful for someone in a depression as it would be to hand a heroin addict a loaded needle. It’s only making it worse, never mind if you meant well.

R called tonight and it sent my mood into the toilet. I am so bloody sick of that man. But again, it’s all me because he’s the socially acceptable one. He just can’t go one day a week without swimming in a beer bottle. Normal. But all the stuff I take trying to be sane is a crutch.

Fuck society and its ignorance and its judgment. I’ve got judgments of my own and contrary to what is being pounded into my head, I don;t believe its just my crappy personality. If someone is being a hypocrite, I say so. And if they choose to keep being a hypocrite in my presence, then I will call them on it again and again and I will judge them.

But it always bites me on the ass.

Still…Prior to the DSM declaring everything is a personality disorder, it was called having conviction for what you believe in.

Now it’s borderline personality for rocking the boat by speaking your mind.

I have no idea what this post was going to be about, the station got criss crossed and now it’s ass trash.

Oh, well.

tequila taters


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