Ass Trash

I didn’t have another title in mind. Becca has been using this term ass trash for awhile now and well…It just describes life these days, so I’m gonna go with it.

So R FIRED me, as his friend. I thought I was kind of an employee who did things to earn things. Apparently it was just a friendship and my failure to answer the phone on a Sunday to tend to his needs was the sign that I am using him. I sent a text explaining that I was in a bad mental state coming off a med I ran out of so avoiding me was in his best interest…And he didn’t like the tone of that so he texted back that I need to stand on my own two feet for a change and he thought we were friends and he sees he was wrong.

All because I didn’t answer my phone on a damn Sunday. It was so bad, he called like five times. When I didn’t answer he called my dad’s house at 9 pm and got them all worried. Seriously, dude? I’m 41 and American. I am entitled to a bad mood and to not answer my damn phone when I think that mood might lead to trouble.

And it did. And I didn’t mean for it to,was just kinda giving the heads up, this is why I’m not answering my phone…But he doesnt accept I have a mental illness therefore trying to explain winter depression and its shut down and med withdrawal is pointless.

So we’re done.

And the thing is…I feel free.If my car breaks down I am totally screwed but I am breathing for the first time in months. I dont feel caught in a stranglehold. I’m not having bad dreams about busted electronics. I don’t dread ringing phones now. Because I am FREE.

I don;t like it came down to this. But being pissed off because I didnt want to answer my phone seems to reflect more on him than me. I mean, seriously, my own father doesnt get all bent and worried if I don’t answer my phone for a day. Ridiculous.

And I’d rather do without and fail on my own than be beholden to someone who’s keeping track of his good deeds done for me without thinking that I’ve earned the stuff he’s done for me.

Now the aftermath is my paranoia running rampant on how he’s likely maligning me to anyone who will listen. I don’t mind being called out for what I’m guilty of. Bitchy? Yep. Moody? Uh huh. Self absorbed?Sure. But  I thought I was earning every good deed he did for me, and it turns out,he was just being a nice guy therefore I used him and I owe him. He was carrying me so I have to stand on my own two feet now.

fuck you.

I dont think he;s said anything to my dad yet but I know how that will go. Dad sided with R 15 years ago when we broke up. I mean, R works and has money and he’s respectable and I’m just a lazy ungrateful brat who can’t get her shit together. (Not making that up, my dad has said that to me.) This is why I hate small towns where everyone knows everyone and everything. I don’t consider it anyone’s business but R loves the sound of his own voice and loves to play the victim so it’s gonna be lovely when it all comes down.

Now you may ask what the fuck that whiny diatribe has to do with mental illness.

Well, I had a bad day mentally on Sunday. Altered mind states make you behave in strange ways. Like not answering the phone.Like not opening the mail box. Like being too weirded out to go to the grocery store so you eat food you dont even like since it’s already there. Like not being able to force yourself into a shower.

This winter depression has taken hold like a pit bull and it won’t let go for shit.

And it doesn’;t help that I ran out of lamictal and can;t get more til Tuesday. The doctor just told me it;s not something you quit cold turkey cos it could cause seizures. Ha ha ha ha. And I’m bitching about being out of it?I got lucky apparently.

Tomorrow is turkey day. At my mom’s. With my dad, his gf, and their kid also attending. Plus about 15 people not even related to me that are part of my sister;s inner circle. I am going but I dont have a good feeling. I’ve been to enough of these family things to know they rarely go well. And with my current depressive moodiness..My dad starts in on me about the wrong thing, it could get ugly.

On the plus side, my anxiety has been lesser. Not by much but definitely lesser. I’m no longer certain people are out to get me. Thats an improvement.

(Pardon all the punctuation mistakes, this netbook keyboard is so small my fat fingers fuck it all up.)

I read another blog earlier…And this woman mentioned her bipolar daughter and how much trouble she is having..And the mom said she wanted to run far far away from her daughter’;s problems.

And it made me see things from the other side. I know its gotta suck for people who have to deal secondhand with mental disorders. I don’t have any wisdom except it’s not personal. Being bipolar has not enhanced my life in any way. I want to run away from it. I’ve tried countless times. It doesnt work though.

I talked to my mom on the phone tonight and she said, “I cured myself of depression.”

Yeah, my family’s about as comforting as the Marquis de Sade was kind.

As it stands, Becca is my only friend and support system that I am certain of Everyone else seems to come and go. When I’m manic, they think I am awesome. Then the mood swings and away they go. And I am not so insecure or desperate as to require such people in my life. You’;re real, you’re in for the whole deal, not just the happy parts.

And Bex has been there for over ten years. Maybe only by an internet tether but it means the world to me, and so does she. You find out who matters when the chips are down and everything turns to shit.

Or as Bex would say, when it all turns to ass trash. ❤

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