Divine Avoidance

I haven’t had the nerve to open my mailbox in four days. I don’t know why. I go into avoidance mode during the seasonal depression. Today I have been ignoring all calls and texts. Just people wanting something from me when I have nothing to give. My stomach has been upset for a week now because the stress of it all is taking a toll. I have NO ONE in my life who understands or even makes a half ass attempt to be supportive. That leaves me to bond with people on line and even that is stilted by my illness because I never want to talk. I have nothing good to say. I have nothing interesting to say. There’s just nothing good or interesting with me.

So the depression tells me. It seems reinforced by those around me who only want me to cheer up and do their bidding without regard to what I am going through.

My own father is the worst. He’s on me to get a job. Like if anyone would hire me I wouldn’t be on it like white on rice. Guess he wants me to get a gun and force a manager to hire me? What can I say? I’m unstable because I have an illness but NO ONE cares about your “excuses”. They simply don’t. There are no allowances made. No empathy. NO understanding. So while I am make an effort and am willing to work, no one will give me the chance and at this juncture in time…I dont disagree with them at all.

I never know who I am going to be when I wake up these days. Will I lay in bed shivering under the covers and nursing a nervous stomach that is agonizing? Will it be one of the days I spring up and actually want to get on with the day?Or will I be sad and weepy? Oh, the angry irritable days are good, too, when I am pissed off at all and have no idea why and no amount of subterfuge or fake smiles can mask it because it comes out anyway.

And the last week has been a lot of that. To be expected with a med change.

New shrink (I think I like her a lot) put me back on Cymbalta, said we have to find a balance between that and the mood stabilizers. She’s the first who’s had the intelligence to think that. She left everything else the same. I actually had panic attacks from hell going in (grabbing walls, the nurse seemed to think I was bonkers) but I came out of a shrink appt feeling good for once. And it wasnt just relief at being done.

But since the Cymbalta was reintroduced my lithium numb is gone and I am all over the place emotionally. I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m mad, I’m bored, I’m restless, I feel nauseous. There is no constant now and it is rattling me big time.

Part of why I haven’t answered the phone today even tho I know I will get my ass chewed for it. I feel very irate and hateful and angry and that’s never a good mind frame in which to deal with people. Now if I could explain this and be understood, I wouldn’t need to avoid. But the moment I try to explain and get the “suck it up” speech, it’s like primer and gunpowder. Not good. So I avoid.

Not healthy but I don’t know what else to do.

It makes me anxiety ridden no matter what  I do.

I just feel like a fish out of water and I am flopping about on land.

It’s like…I’m uncomfortable in my own skin right now. It’s too tight, it doesnt fit right, the texture is all wrong…It’s my skin but it feels alien…

And I don’t know if that is depression or the new med stirring the pot.

But in a sea of shit..a new doctor who actually listens seems something to be positive about.

Or so I tell myself. The mental illness doesn’t want me believing anything positive though.

Thank god I spent years perfecting the art of telling others to go fuck themselves.

Yeah. The depression needs to that.



One Response to “Divine Avoidance”

  1. Avoidance isn’t a long-term solution, but I don’t think it’s necessarily that bad to use in moderation… sometimes you just need a break. Sometimes – not always, but sometimes – people start to get the hint after a while that there’s something more serious going on. Or they drift off and you never see them again. :/

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