Anything to feel something

Depression strips away everything. It sends you down the rabbit hole and blackness is your security blanket. You can’t find a point in life, or well, in anything, so you just want to be left to your darkness. Hope is a vague memory. If it ever existed to begin with because with depression and its cycles…You forget what life is without its crippling presence.

For a week…I fell down the rabbit hole, totally. My kid had lice so she was banned from school and nothing I did was treating it right cos ffs, I never had lice before, not a clue about the stuff. But without having to take her to school… The depression took over, kicked my ass. I went nowhere. I ignored my phone. Other than my kid and Becca, I had contact with no one.

I bathed, ate, slept, did mountains of laundry every day battling her critters…I took care of her basic needs…but I quit living.

And then someone showed up at my door to chastise me for not answering my phone and reaching out to my friends.

It helped pull me out of the rabbit hole a bit, but more because I felt pressured to please and perform them.

I am still depressed, hopeless, anxiety ridden, irritable.

So being pulled out of the rabbit hole (or guilted out) did not solve the problem. I have to question my doctor’s intelligence in letting me go into seasonal affect without an anti depressant. It has sucked more than words can say.

And the anxiety, usually quelled at this time of year, has been off the charts, complete with massive panic attacks and paranoia.

This week I get to meet a new doctor and what are the odds she is gonna be any more useful?

I also got “let go” from counseling because I missed three appointments. Well, when you don’t know what day of the bloody week it is, it is difficult to track these things. (And yes, the other day, I had NO clue it was Sunday, I thought it was Monday, my brain simply was not accepting facts.)

I am in a scary fucking place and I feel so fucking alone.

I keep thinking back…I used to have hope. After my kid was born, everything changed. The brain just never worked the same again.So depression with no hope…That’s a terrifying place to be. I WANT to be hopeful, to feel joy, to have a zest for life…

It just isnt there.

I find small things. New song, show, whatever. But there is nothing big, like the future being good or anything like that. No hope. I try to change my attitude.  Doesn’t help.

Nothing helps.

It’s depressing. HAHAHA. Depression is depressing. There’s an epiphany.

I always survive.

I just live in terror of reaching that one time when I don’t survive.

Everyone says mental illness is benign, it wont kill you.I think any disease that alters your perception of reality and drains you of joy and hope is terminal.


3 Responses to “Anything to feel something”

  1. Those people that say mental illness is benign are idiots. Is something that completely changes every aspects of your life, destroys your relationships, makes you unable to work or function, benign???

    Glad to hear from you though… I get worried when I don’t see any posts for a long time 🙂 No pressure though. “Still alive” works for me.

    • I read something on line the other day about how mental illness, bipolar disorder in specific, does NOT impact the ability to hold a job or live a normal life. Maybe before posting such articles they should ask those of us who are uh, well, having trouble having a normal life. 😉

      • I call grade A BULLSHIT on that one. Sometimes it would be really, really, really handy to be able to make somebody else live in your mind for a week. Still think it won’t impact the ability to have a normal life? Didn’t think so.

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