Depression Inside

Sitting here looking at the computer sticker that says “intel inside” and it’s like…ooh i am depression inside.

Depressed again today. But then, that is the nature of the disorder. I guess I naively hope each day it will be different or there will be some respite thanks to the bipolar…It’s not happening today.

My soul is blackened.

I am functioning but without much joy or will. It’s auto pilot at its finest. No hope is on the horizon. I feel inept, worthless, pointless.

I try so damned hard and it doesn’t matter.

The people around me are starting to take it personally. I mean never mind I spent a month not going to sleep before midnight. No, last night I just bottomed out and took a trazadone and zonked before 9pm…so someone calls both numbers and texts toward ten and I am accused of ignoring them when in fact i was asleep.

It’s like I can’t even fucking sleep on my own time. Which only adds to my feeling smothered, which brings on the panic.

At this point I am prepared to swallow pride and ego and admit..I am mentally ill and I am not doing so well.

But who do I have to listen? The counselor wanted me to call her for a reschedule so I did and left a message…she had the office call to schedule me a week away even though I stressed how not well i am…

I have no one.

And I hate all this drama, I just need to be left alone to let it run its course. If anyone would listen the biggest help I could get would be a break from my kid, I am exhausted. I need a night to wallow in my depression. Let me recharge. Oh and money donations would take care of a lot of problems.

But unless someone can make me not bipolar, then it is what it is. Every fucking fall and winter for 20 years. Why people aren’t smart enough to figure this out is beyond me.

I sound sad. I sound pathetic.

I am sad and pathetic. This too shall pass,

Or I will drink bleach.

Whatever.

Viva le apathy. If only the lithium could numb the panic and paranoia so well.

 

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2 Responses to “Depression Inside”

  1. Martial Champagne Says:

    Thanks for sharing. I have no idea how it feels to have this illness, I only experienced depression and anxiety. Reading you helps me. I am now working as a mental health nurse and you help me understand what people with this illness go through. I pray for hope as well. Thanks again, and God bless,

    • What you are doing, reading someone else’s personal experience, is as important as any education. The biggest stumbling block in my treatment has been the professionals knowing what the books say then getting confused because people don’t follow along established guidelines. Understanding and empathy can count as much, if not more, for a patient, than any medicine.

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