Down the rabbit hole

I am a train wreck with a plane crash thrown in. Everything has gone to shit and I am down the rabbit hole so far I am on the cusp of not caring what happens to me. I have a defiant 4 year old who hits me and tells me she hates me and I guess I am just not mature enough to handle it. Everyone has advice but nothing works with this kid as far as me. She will not be disciplined in any fashion and I am…ready to give up.

I am off anti depressants and the depression is devouring me whole. But with the shrinks not wanting to give them for bipolar apparently depression is what I am stuck with. As they say the mood stabilizers have an anti depressant affect. Not working for me but it’s there so hey, all is well.

My panic at the moment is off the charts. My psychotic mind is running in all directions I’m going to jail, they’re gonna take my kid, everyone is out to get me, no one likes me, everyone thinks I am a waste of space.

The depression has put me in this paranoid irrational place and I have isolated myself to protect everyone from me because while I am sick and I need help.,.They dont want to talk about it, they just want me to cheer up.

If that worked, pharma companies would go under.

And I can’t even focus to write this because my kid does not stop yapping and absolutely will not permit me five minutes that don;t involve absolute focus on her, It is making me really develop an attitude of harshness, I can;t even do dishes and she has to be attached to my leg. She wasn’t that clingy at age 2.

Oh, god…

This is why I don’;t blog anymore, I can’t focus I cant think and frankly I have nothing to say anyone wants to read.

Mental illness may not kill you, but the way it drains the life out of you, death could well be an end result.

Fuck.

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4 Responses to “Down the rabbit hole”

  1. It really makes you wish that all those people who think of mental illness as not being a serious issue or a load of crap could just take a walk in a persons shoes who’s affected by it daily.

    • I’ve long said I wish they spend one day in my shoes. But just one because I am kind and I don’t think these people are strong enough to handle what I do. If they can’t talk about it and support me, then they’d fall apart so fast emotional shrapnel would be flying. They view my mental illness as me being weak but truth be told…Only the strong survive this crap.

  2. Hugs. I know that doesn’t fix anything… but that’s all I can do…

    Glad to hear from you, even if it’s that you’re doing shitty. Thinking of you.

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