Archive for October, 2013

Smothered

Posted in panic disorder with tags , , , on October 4, 2013 by morgueticiaatoms

I had a panic attack when I dropped my kid off at school today. Came from out of nowhere, no trigger, just standing there in a parking lot and WHAM! Pounding heart, dizziness, hyperventilation…

Of course, by now, I am a PROFESSIONAL at internalizing anxiety 98% of the time, so unless someone is actually studying me, they have no clue that I am experiencing a level of anxiety and disorientation one would get if they were in the woods being chased by a chainsaw wielding psychopath. I cover my mouth and breathe deeply in and out, rather than use a paper bag. I hug my sides in an effort to have a sense of control over something. I dig my nails into my palms, in hopes a mild jab of pain will distract me from the panic.

Sometimes it does. Most of the time it does not.

It passes. Generally with no one the wiser, unless it’s a massive attack, one where I have to lean over and hang my head and press my palms into my knees. Those are always fun. NOT.

I used to have spectator sport panic attacks. Sweating, hyperventilation, dizziness, vomiting. By the time my last three dimensional friend told me that going out with me was embarrassing and awkward, I began the descent into internalization. It saves me embarrassment but it’s a disservice otherwise because no one believes what they can’t see. If you’re acting a little squirelly but otherwise ok…They don’t see it as any big deal.

It is a big deal. Especially when you find yourself having multiple attacks a day. This internalization has sent me to the doctor more times than I care to admit. I literally make myself physically ill by turning it all inward. I trained myself so well, though, so I wouldn’t embarrass people I was with, that now I don’t know how to externalize.

And it’s all leading to me feeling smothered. By my overly demanding kid, by household disrepair, by money problems, by EVERYTHING. I have less than  zero desire to be near anyone right now. I accept my kid as my siamese twin, but others…Unless you’re at the end of a computer, I simply don’t want company. It’s the seasonal affect,to some extent, but it’s also the fact that this year has sucked for me and I have had four of the most stressful months of my life with the neighbor kids. (The landlord actually asked me if they were all mine! That’s how often they are there,ffs.)

I

feel

smothered.

I need some time to breathe.

Provided the hyperventilating panic attacks will allow it.

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The Disorder Of Existence

Posted in biolar disorder with tags , , on October 2, 2013 by morgueticiaatoms

Still here. Just not feeling the blogging vibe. Why bother regurgitating the same stuff?

Mood is blah. Not depressed, not happy. Just low-ish. At least I am functional and the extreme mood swings seem to be dying down. I wish I could say the same for the anxiety. I’m still having the panic attacks mid sentence and picking my kid up from school with all the traffic and kids and parents is a nightmare.

Still here.

If I keep telling myself that maybe it will count for something, right?

Nothing ground breaking has happened, same old same old.

I have, however, given an enormous amount of thought to the thing with the counselor and I think I am going to drop out of counseling. She’s just not a good fit and it’s a waste of my time since shes already made her mind up about whatever disorders I have.

I have some major dysfunctions. I am aware that I am hugely flawed.

But the stuff she finds a disorder is all easily explained by my upbringing and experiences. If she’s going to take this hard line that I am negative simply because I have had the misfortune if a ton of crappy experiences and occurrences we are done.

And I really dislike the way she is so quick to discount my bipolar and all while focusing on my “personality disorder”. Half of which is essentially having quirks that fall outside the conservative norm. And that pisses me off. I wear black and skulls so I have a disorder? That’s high school mentality. I cannot work with that.

I keep trying to tell myself I should stick with it, but this woman has already offended me so deeply, I don’t think I can stick with her. I don’t feel able to be honest. I don’t find her methods effective. (She is working with my brother and he has made no progress, either.) She seems nice enough but she is a bad fit for me. I know I thought the same about the sunshine spewer but I am starting to wonder if it was tied in with my depression. I am very critical and rough on people when I am depressed. THAT is a flaw I need to fix.

I’m also impatient and irritable, especially right now because my kid is so defiant. She just does not want to listen to me at all, she is constantly pushing boundaries and I am not handling it with any grace. People see me take a hard line with her and think I am this monster but they weren’t there for the six times where I softly asked her to do something. By that seventh time, yes, I lose patience. Because this is a daily thing, multiple times daily.  I sometimes wonder if she isn’t punishing me because her father isn’t present.

So, yeah. I think the Lithium and Lexapro are helping. I think I am done with Yoyo the counselor neophyte.

On the plus side…It’s October 1rst, which beging 31 days of celebrating the macabre, the scary, the gruesome.

In other words…It is Morgue Month.

Trick or treat 🙂