Reality is biting me

I am smothering again. Stress, problems, dealing with people (including my own kid) struggling with moods and anxiety and depression…

I have a hair trigger temper these days, which is at odds with how numb I feel. And it’s not a good numb, it’s that “end of the line” numb where you have just had all you can stand of reality and the minutae that comprise life.

Today it’s a desktop computer that keeps crashing. Yet no virus or malware is turning up and if it does i will be shocked considering the wifi card won’t even allow it to access the net 90% of the time.

I need to get a lithium level done tomorrow. I hate going to the hospital to use the lab. Hate it.

My kid won’t stop talking, she absolutely refuses to entertain herself, she has to be glued to me at all times. UNLESS her rude little friends come around then I don’t exist.

The friends have me ready to drink bleach. All summer they would stay for hours. Now they knock on the door, play with her for five minutes then go play with other kids and leave her hanging. It doesn’t stop them from demanding food then leaving or getting a snack then leaving. They do this multiple times a day and it is making me insane. I have started putting the kibosh on play times, but they still come back to the door over and over in spite of being told not to. I hate those kids with a burning passion and it makes me feel shitty to say it but it is what it is. I have tried so hard to be patient and tolerant but at some point you get enough shoe prints on your back you retire as welcome mat.

I keep wondering though what happened. I dealt all summer with more grace than this. But I was manic from the Cymbalta and the mindset difference is astounding. It’s like I spent the entire summer happy drunk and am just now sobering up and seeing things for what they are.

Cripes, I didn’t take my lithium with food and now I have nausea from hell,  Morning sickness nausea has nothing on this shit. Time to go find a cracker or something.

I think I am losing my mind. Honestly. Cracking under the pressure. And it pisses me off. I have done everything I am supposed to do, tried so hard…and still the mental illness wins and reality bites me on the ass.

I no longer enjoy life, at all. I spend more time dreaming of the day when my number is up. That;s sad.

But at least I’m too depressed to do anything about it.

Maybe the new shrink next month will have some ideas. I won’t hold my breath though.

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One Response to “Reality is biting me”

  1. I haven’t been blogging so much lately. Take care.

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