The Living Dead Girl post

I’m not a zombie but I feel like I could be one. IF zombies were depressed, listless, paranoid, anxious and irritable.

I’m dead, but alive. Living Dead Girl. It’s not just a cool song by Rob Zombie, who knew.

I have wanted to post all week but always come up with a reason not to. It isn’t lack of emotions or words. It’s laziness that comes with seasonal affect. I mean, the good days are the ones when I manage to get my kid bathed AND myself. It sounds so trivial but at this time in my life and mood cycle, it’s a huge thing.

For weeks we have been living out of laundry baskets of clean but unfolded clothes. Nothing like 7:40 am and you can’t find underwear but you know they are there under sixteen other items of clothing and your kid is screeching and the clock is ticking and this needs to be done and you have to leave NOW..

Cripes. I finally bit the bullet and folded six baskets today, Funny thing is I now have six more to fold because my stepmom gave us some bedding I had to wash. It never ends.

The anxiety and paranoia have been insane. I swear I have bugs crawling on my skin. I can’t see them but I feel them and I itch. I have even used rubbing alcohol on my skin thinking maybe they are invisible bugs and I can burn them off. And I am aware that I sound crazy, I told the shrink all of this. She luckily yanked the Lexapro but I’m not feeling less crazier, tho the anxiety the last few days has been toned from ten to 5. I am going to increase lithium, but that can’t happen for awhile cos I have no money to buy it.

And next month I get to see a new shrink.

Meanwhile I am still pretty sure I have bugs crawling all over me half the time and it seems to be a common side effect with two of the meds I am on.

In other news, I have withdrawn so far from any kind of outer life people have gotten rather irritated with me and made claims that I think I am too good to hang out with them. Hey you want to hang out with a chick convinced bugs are crawling on her when no bugs are there???Let’s hang out and braid each other’s hair WHILE I SCREAM ABOUT THE BUGS EATING ME ALIVE. Geesh. I am trying to shelter people from my current bucket of crazy but even that bites me on the ass.

I have been writing my vampire novel for the last month. Obsessively, insanely, driven like a woman possessed writing. Nothing else matters. It doesn’t matter no one will ever read it because I like it that way., I write for me. And I am still writing, even if this last stretch I had to force it hard to keep from blocking. It is so easy to give in to writer’s block and say, i’m out of material, let me get back to doing absolutely nothing,

The downside to being so consumed by my own creativity is that it makes me see how bland and pointless my own life actually is. Because no matter how hard I try to suck it up and get over it, every single time I am thwarted because mental illness rears its ugly fucking head, I mean, seriously, does anyone really think I would choose and relish being in a place where I feel bugs crawling on me? This current state serves me in no way. But it is the hand I have been dealt and I am playing it, albeit listlessly and with a bit of an attitude.

On the plus side, the lithium is REALLY doing its numbing thing. I have made jokes about emotional novacaine but lithium is it. Someone said something to me the other day that a couple of months ago would have set off my anger and tearducts. But I felt NOTHING, not good, not bad. Just…nothing.

It isn’t so much a lack of affect, I still have feelings. But I am no longer a prisoner to them, They don’t seem to alter every six seconds. I am finally finding some sort of emotional stability.

To make up for that plus, though, I have hella anxiety and depression.

and the BUGS ARE CRAWLING ON ME MAKE IT STOP

Sorry, tension breaker, had to be done,

Sorry, Breakfast club reference.

Pop culture is my number one coping mechanism. If sarcasm and humor can’t solve it then it can’t be solved, right?

I don’t know.

I can hear the clock ticking. Which is funny because it’s digital. Actually I meant metaphorically. Back to school for my kid tomorrow, which puts me on her time, doiing her bidding. The return of my anxiety and inability to truly breathe., I try not to look at it that way, but it is what it is.

What can I say? Right now.,.I am sanity challenged.

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