Crawling

“Crawling in my skin these wounds they will not heal”- Linkin Park

It seems to fit right now.

I feel like I have bugs crawling on my skin, This is apparently common with Lexapro (generic version). But I am on so many pills, who even knows. I see the shrink in the morning, my last appt before being faced with a new one. I’m just gonna tell her that my anxiety has worsened, my skin is crawling, and it all happened around the time i started the lexapro. I’m not having too much trouble with lamictal or lithium and i have never had a problem with xanax…

That leaves,,,Lexapro. I dread telling her. She already thinks I’m so anti depressant junkie, If she simply wants to increase the dosage, I think I am gonna opt out. If this crawling thing doesnt go away, I will stand corrected. I didn’t have this shit with Cymbalta, Stands to reason it’s the new med in the mix.

Seasonal affect is kicking my ass. I can barely drag my ass out of bed each morning, hitting snooze until I literally have to throw clothes on me and the kid, shove pancakes at her, and get in the car. By 7 pm, my mood is so low I just want to go to bed, I am fighting it, and my kid who never sleeps is helping. But I am exhausted in every way,

The anxiety and panic have become unbearable.My kid is relentless. She bosses me around, manipulates me, has constant demands. Nothing I do is good enough. I buy her things, she destroys them. I ask for five minutes of space, within sixty seconds she’s hungry or thirsty even when she has a snack and drink already. I keep thinking maybe i don’t pay her enough attention so I got a coloring book and crayons today and tried to do that with her. She sat and broke all the crayons, peeled off the paper and threw it on the floor, then complained over every thing I tried to color in, Nothing is ever good enough, nothing is ever right.

‘She doesn’t do this with anyone but me.

They say, “You let her get away with it.”

I grounded her all weekend because she threw a toy at a wall outlet the other day and blew half the circuits in the place, I tell her no. I use a firm voice. I take things away and have her earn them back with good behavior, I make her stand against the wall, I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. She is making me insane and feeling so disrespected and inferior is making me think maybe I just can’t handle the mom gig. Even as I write she is in her room bawling because she had a nightmare. This has become nightly for three weeks now and she will keep up the screams and tears until I let her come to my bed. Some nights I am so tired I let her. But it occurs to me that the doctor told me to let her cry when she was a baby…Maybe I need to do that now.

I don’t know what’s right anymore, my thinking is so distorted.

I need to call the landlord and get an electrician in here because I have no power in my bedroom, half the outlets in the other rooms don’t work. But my stupid brain is telling me to put it off, because I am in no mental space to allow my home to be invaded and be judged  by someone. I also fear when they go to work on it, the bugs will just explode from the walls. I spray and spray and they just keep appearing.

I want to fucking scream.

I am surrounded by my dad, questioning whether I paid my car insurance, like I’m a sixteen year old, Then berating me for not having the power issue fixed, I try to explain but a man who doesnt believe in mental illness can’t fucking grasp it,

I am overbooking myself because I can’t remember making appts on certain dates I have one at 9:20 in the morning, then at 10, then I have to pick my kid up at 11. And I can’t understand what I was thinking to schedule it that way.

I’m crumbling.

I have no one to ask for help. Or support. The money situation is devouring me stressing me ti every last penny. I don’t understand how I could go from managing so well to…this. Maybe I fucked up going off Cymbalta. But mania isn’;t any better.

I have been bowing out on social stuff making up lies and excuse because no one wants the truth, I am losing my mind, sorry I can’t hang out right now but I am pretty sure you are judging me and out to get me, Talk to me around springtime. Cripes.

The toughest thing is that I am an independent person. So to feel like I am going to lose it if I don’t get some help soon makes it all worse,

Now…my kid is still caterwalling and I am going to go try to comfort her. I cannot keep giving into her, though. She has become an emotional terrorist. I am not liking her much these days. It’s sad because she is so cute and funny and smart…And I love her so.

But the way she treats me makes it hard to not feel like utter shit.

I am giving my all here and all she does is remind me it’s not enough. I should be stronger than this, but I’m not, not right now.

I am anxious about my appts tomorrow. I will not sleep well. Which is a given because this child is not going to give up, she is relentless. And I am just weak at the moment.

She’s slept in my bed 8 out of 12 nights, where do I draw the line without becoming monster mom? God, I have no idea.

It’s like everything has fallen on top of me and I am being told to claw my way out of the rubble but I need a hand and no one will do anything but watch as I struggle in a futile effort.

Geesh, I sound dramatic even to me.

But mental illness can be pretty dramatic when it saps your will to live like it is doing to me.

 

 

 

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3 Responses to “Crawling”

  1. Stay strong my friend!

    Thank you for sharing…

    ” For I know the plans I have for you “, declares the Lord, ” plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
    Jeremiah 29:11-13 NIV

  2. Oh honey, I am so sorry that things are becoming so desperate, I do believe that maybe you should let her cry sometimes. She doesn’t do this to anyone else but you. She knows you are having to play Mom and Dad and is using that, I know I don’t have kids, and I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it is having to bring up a child, and as a single parent at that. Something has got to give sweetie, because I hate seeing you this way. She has to learn that she can’t get away with her behaviour towards you any more. I wish I knew the answer… I am sorry that I don’t, but you know, my vent box is ALWAYS open and free of charge. I love you xxx

  3. I really, really get it. All of it. I don’t know how to help you because I can’t even help me or my daughter. Just know that someone really gets what you are saying and you are not alone.

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