Psychologically naked

You know how they always talk about having the dream where you go out in public naked? I’ve never had it myself but it is constantly referenced on TV.

It’s how I felt today when I went to my kid’s parent teacher conference, except it was my psyche that was naked.

I felt so exposed, so vulnerable, so weak. I was putting on the face, but my brain was this inner dialogue of paranoid thoughts and this feeling like my skin was crawling off my bones. I couldn’t wait for it to be over because I thought for sure she would notice my skin creeping its way off my bones and call the men in white coats to take me away.

I know I sound batshit crazy. The anxiety gets this bad sometimes, I start having illogical irrational paranoid thoughts. A mental illness gift I inherited after my daughter’s birth. Apparently I wasn’t crazy enough before, I needed another bucket of crazy in the mix.

I hemmed and hawed on whether to go get some groceries while she was still at my mom’s. I didn’t want to. I had to. I forced myself to. And it was awful because again, I felt psychologically naked, like every eye was on me and people were staring and they could see my skin crawling off my bones. I was on the edge of panic the whole time, my brain repeating the mantra you can go home soon, you can go home soon, you can go home soon. This has become commonplace for my trips out. And it freaks me the fuck out because I havent been this bad since before the Donor left.

So much for Lexapro helping anxiety a damn bit for me.

I told R my kid is out of school for the next 5 days so my time being his shop wench is limited. He knows I don’t like leaving her with my mom. He whined because he was going to have to write up ONE ticket himself, I’m not needed, he’s just a baby.

Now it is 1 am. My kid not having school has freed me from my mental prison of being in bed by midnight on school nights. I don’t know why it is, it has always been like this for me. I can’t breathe if I “have” to get up. I will feel pressured to get to bed, no matter if I am tired or doing something I enjoy or something necessary. The scumbag brain gets all stressed out and insistent that I MUST GO TO BED RIGHT NOW SO I CAN GET UP.

It’s not about sleep, though.

I will probably stay up until 4 am tonight (I am writing and when I am writing, sleep is an annoyance) but I wil wake up with my kid and take care of her and go through the whole day, no nap.

How is that even possible? It’s not logical. And the only differing factor is that I DON;T HAVE TO GET UP FOR ANY REASON OTHER THAN TO GET UP WITH MY KID.

It’s a lack of pressure thing. I don’t like being tied to someone else’s schedule because I never know what my mental state is going to be. It’;s like living with a pillow over your face.

I am a puzzle even to myself.

Now…back to writing about vampires. So the mental health professionals can label me schizotypal. Because liking vampires is totally the same thing as believing in them.

Are there enough asylums, considering all the Twilght and True Blood fans?

(P.S,  Forgive the typos, I am using a netbook and my fat fingers are at war with the tiny keyboard. Also, I am too lazy to fix them because it would involve using the touchpad and I am too uncoordinated to use it properly, My bad.)

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5 Responses to “Psychologically naked”

  1. imptiness Says:

    Not being able to use a touch pad mouse is yet just another disorder!

  2. I’m going to show this post to my husband, because, as you esdcribed so well , the sleep thing and all that goes on the the head, and how it’s impossible to have any continuity when you have responsibilities to someone else. You described the struggle and how it’s such a pain in the butt to live with. And forget going out. I haven’t been out of the house since last Saturday I appreciate your honesty, because no one really understands They can love you, but they can’t wrap their minds around all the aspects of it. And forget sleep. My granddaughter is flyiing to Florida. 6AM this morning.First time on a plane. Do you thing I’m going to sleep tonight? Then tomorrow, while I’m doing tax stuff, I’ll be so exhausted, looking through piles of paper, and going through the agony of anxiety until the plane land s in Orlando,and I know she and my daughter abd son in law area safe. I’ll probably be up til they take the first plane to LA, then take the second one to the East Coast. I’m obsessing aboutd those bolts of lightening that scare the hell out of me, on my fight home a few years ago. Anxiety can be like a noose around your neck acknowledging it helps it to dispel it sooner. But it’s a beast. Hope you have decent day, Me, too.
    Nana xx

    • I’m sorry you’re going through all of it, it sucks. But it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels that way. Maybe if enough of us start talking about how we feel with the mental stuff, the so called professionals will get a clue and put two plus two together. They think it’s some sort of personality disorder, you’re high strung, you’re a worry wart, et al. The fact that so many of us feel the same things in spite of different backgrounds and experiences is a screaming wake up call about the reality of anxiety as a legitimate disorder. Many hugs to you, hope all goes well.

  3. Thanks so much for you lovely reply and your empathy. I appreciate it very much.
    Sorry I made so many spelling errors on my comment – it was really late and that’s where anxiety and stress takes me. It’g great to share with you and our fellow bloggers. A bridge over the chasm, so to speak. It’s fantastic! Oh, my family is all safe and sound in Orlando! Love to You!, Nana xx

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