Sinking, drowning

It has not been a good day. It’s funny because people always ask, “Why, what happened?”

With mental illness, NOTHING has to happen. Your brain chemicals decide to go wonky and it;s off to the races.

The seasonal affect depression is like a pillow being pressed down over my face.

The anxiety and panic attacks are crippling me.

I am slipping.

I forgot an appointment yesterday for the counselor. You’;d think with mental health professionals they would understand this sort of thing. Instead I am viewed as flaky and unreliable.

I forgot for the first time in 2 years to take my trash to the curb.

I forgot I have a parent teacher thing tomorrow.

My mind is just in a dark place today, watching as I come undone all over again.

My dad called me twice to tell me about jobs in the paper. The people around me really are clueless. I’m falling apart but by all means, let me take on more stress and lie to employers by assuring them I am stable and reliable.

Because what I want to be, what I wish I could be, is not the same as what is. I started crumbling back in August and it has not gotten any better.

But I get treated to news stories about the large percentage of people on disability being frauds, and R standing there agreeing, oblivious he’s insulting me when he says people on disability are lazy cheats of the system.

I never wanted disability. The bottom line that swayed me though was after that reaction to Nardil  nearly killed me and left me with a more scrambled brain…I dont lack desire to be independent, I lack the stability to do it with any consistency.

Not that a monthly income makes me any less mental.

To be surrounded by people telling you something is wrong with you, then sticking their heads in the sand rather than validating you have a condition, rather than just a bad personality…

I really dislike people sometimes.

And today I dislike everything and everyone.

I feel the walls closing in on me. I feel the cold knot of fear in my gut, fear that I am a week away from wearing a tinfoil hat.

Sinking. Drowning. Going under.

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One Response to “Sinking, drowning”

  1. I second that! if you need to,use the comments section to vent some more. Someone is listening and you don’t have to be in the same room with them. Hope u feel better, soon! xx

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