The Disorder Of Existence

Still here. Just not feeling the blogging vibe. Why bother regurgitating the same stuff?

Mood is blah. Not depressed, not happy. Just low-ish. At least I am functional and the extreme mood swings seem to be dying down. I wish I could say the same for the anxiety. I’m still having the panic attacks mid sentence and picking my kid up from school with all the traffic and kids and parents is a nightmare.

Still here.

If I keep telling myself that maybe it will count for something, right?

Nothing ground breaking has happened, same old same old.

I have, however, given an enormous amount of thought to the thing with the counselor and I think I am going to drop out of counseling. She’s just not a good fit and it’s a waste of my time since shes already made her mind up about whatever disorders I have.

I have some major dysfunctions. I am aware that I am hugely flawed.

But the stuff she finds a disorder is all easily explained by my upbringing and experiences. If she’s going to take this hard line that I am negative simply because I have had the misfortune if a ton of crappy experiences and occurrences we are done.

And I really dislike the way she is so quick to discount my bipolar and all while focusing on my “personality disorder”. Half of which is essentially having quirks that fall outside the conservative norm. And that pisses me off. I wear black and skulls so I have a disorder? That’s high school mentality. I cannot work with that.

I keep trying to tell myself I should stick with it, but this woman has already offended me so deeply, I don’t think I can stick with her. I don’t feel able to be honest. I don’t find her methods effective. (She is working with my brother and he has made no progress, either.) She seems nice enough but she is a bad fit for me. I know I thought the same about the sunshine spewer but I am starting to wonder if it was tied in with my depression. I am very critical and rough on people when I am depressed. THAT is a flaw I need to fix.

I’m also impatient and irritable, especially right now because my kid is so defiant. She just does not want to listen to me at all, she is constantly pushing boundaries and I am not handling it with any grace. People see me take a hard line with her and think I am this monster but they weren’t there for the six times where I softly asked her to do something. By that seventh time, yes, I lose patience. Because this is a daily thing, multiple times daily.Ā  I sometimes wonder if she isn’t punishing me because her father isn’t present.

So, yeah. I think the Lithium and Lexapro are helping. I think I am done with Yoyo the counselor neophyte.

On the plus side…It’s October 1rst, which beging 31 days of celebrating the macabre, the scary, the gruesome.

In other words…It is Morgue Month.

Trick or treat šŸ™‚

2 Responses to “The Disorder Of Existence”

  1. How long have you been with this counselor? It seems like a while. I think you’ve given it a good shot… just because she got a degree from somewhere doesn’t mean she’s any good at her job. And maybe there are some people that she clicks with that get something out of her sessions.

    I get the not blogging thing, but I’m glad to see a post šŸ™‚ Still being here may not feel like an accomplishment, but it is. (I need to remind myself of that more often šŸ˜› )

  2. I have exactly the same issue, with doctors/counsellors/professionals disbelieving the Bipolar and deciding I have some thing else. I often wonder if they get paid a commission for diagnosing someone as something in particular!

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