Bipolarcoaster

Yesterday I felt pretty well mentally. Avoided the shop, hung out at home, stayed cool…Then my kid’s friends came over and it all went to hell in a handbasket because she turns into Damien around those two girls.

Today…I was just flustered from the get go. (What kind of mom forgets to brush her kid;s hair and sends her to school with rats?) I needed to make a phone call and had such a violent panic attack doing it (I;d put it off for two weeks just to avoid this panic) that my extremeties were vibrating with the tremors. My head got so dizzy I had to sit down. My heart beat so hard I thought it was bruising my chest cavity. Yes, I survived and yes I was relieved once I had done it but…

I will take a gaping wound over that level of panic attack any day.

My mood seemed to run the gamut over the course of the day. I am having some wicked side effects from the Lithium. My scalp feels like it is crawling with bugs and from the research I have done, that’s a lesser occurring Lithium side effect. Which means if I mention it to my shrink she will dismiss it as impossible. Apparently, they are only legit side effects if 99%  of people have them. Never mind us oddballs who react differently.

The nausea, even though I have been eating in small increments to stave off the weight gain from increased appetite, is a bitch. I feel like I am going to throw up eighty percent of the time.

It’s been in the 90’s here all week. Lithium tends to make on feel dehydrated no matter how much liquid you drink and for whatever reason, it makes the nausea worse for me.

My head’s been aching.

R called and he wants my presence tomorrow, blah blah blah. He kind of made my mood crash. I will be there, of course, as I still owe him for fixing the car exhaust, but I do not look forward to it. There are some people who simply have such an oppressive or stressful impact on me that avoiding them is the only healthy thing to do. Him and those satan kids would be prime examples.

Now…it’s 11 opm and I think I have had all I can handle for one day. But first I need to hand feed my kittens. The mother has rejected them, refuses to care for them, and I can’t watch them die. So the woman who can barely remember to brush her own teeth is hand feeding three week old kittens in a desperate effort to keep them alive.

It;s shit like that that confuses me. How people can tell me I am cold and heartless and a bitch and only care about myself…

But I am handfeeding two kittens whose own mother rejected them…I can’t be too evil.

Oh, ouch, brain zap. They are gone for the most part. The short ones, anyway. No I get the longer brain zaps.

Hopefully this is the end of the Cymbalta bullshit. Calling it withdrawal is such a misnomer. I don’t want another dose, ever again. Whatever these withdrawal affects are, it’s not some cracving that a quick hit would fix.

I can’t think straight. Bedtime.

Getting off the bipolarcoaster for today.

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