Melon baller

Has your brain ever been so fucked up and caused you to behave so stupidly that you want to scoop it out of your skull with a melon baller?

No? Just me? Whatever.

I HATE MY STUPID BRAIN.

I reached a pinnacle of stress today and actually yelled at those horrid neighbor girls, “Can;t you let us get through the fucking door?”

Not my finest hour, but they didn’t even wait til I got groceries carried in. This after they’d already been here for two hours and I told them not to come back. And my kid threw a screaming mimi at the store, rolling on the floor, screaming, and when I knelt to help pick her up, she screamed, “No, don’t smack me!”

Because that’s totally my fucking style and explains why I have such a perfectly behaved child…Oh, wait, she’s the spawn of satan and my friends want to give her a well deserved spanking because I am so inept as a mother.

MELTDOWN MELTDOWN MELTDOWN.

To my credit, in the store, I picked her up, held her against me, and talked calmly, soothingly, and logically. She still said, “You’re mean, Mommy, I don’t like you!” And this was all because I told her she couldn’t have a toy.

Mostly the other shoppers were amused because they heard me volunteering myself for worst mom award for not buying her a toy, the worst parental sin ever. (Is it wrong to troll your kid? Probably, but my parents trolled me.)

The horrid girls left and never did come back, so God knows what story they told their parents. Oddly, as long as they stay away, I don’t care. But the way things go in this trailer park, I refuse to give them anything but water to drink, and I am totally making them go thirsty and dehydrate.

I want my kid to have friends, and those three kids two trailers down are awesomely behaved kids…But the last two, and these two girls, are just atrocious. They make my life hell. (Yes, what kind of 40 year old woman lets two brats terrorize her?) These girls are in fact making me miss Damiana and her brother. I tell them I can’t afford to give them snacks. They keep asking, demanding, placing orders for exactly what they want, ffs. I have taken to ignoring them. They are told to go away, they keep coming back. They are told to pick up any messes they make, they never do.

As far as I am concerned, expecting them to obey these edicts is no different than telling a smoker you don’t allow smoking in your home and they need to go outside

But these manipulative little satan spawns make me feel like I am so evil, so selfish, so mean, and so unfair…

Mostly, I know my brain is misfiring due to the Cymbalta leaving my system. The brain zaps are fading. Now I am all angry-yell-y or teary weary. It changes every five minutes.

As does my anxiety level and ability to manage it.

I am not in a good place.

Every time I think I might be getting to a good place, scumbag brain pulls some other crafty trick.

I’m not in favor of blaming bad behavior on mental issues, but in this case, I think it’s accurate. Otherwise, this would be my norm, constantly flying off the handle, bursting into tears, hiding in my room with a panic attack.

This is not me.

Now I am living in fear of what the satan girls might have told their parents and their mother is definitely one of those in your face ass kicking women who likes to fight over nothing. She is also friends with the one neighbor lady who doesn’t like me because I used sarcasm against her lying little snowflake. Birds of a feather and all…

Having all this feeding the anxiety is not healthy. Our lives were much simpler and less dramatic before we started mingling with these so called neighbors. I don’t want to be anti social or wimpy, but I do have limitations and they have been worn down to nothing this summer. This has been the longest suckiest summer i Ncan ever remember, from a mental/stress standpoint. And it’s these kidsl. I have ONE kid. I should not have 6 of them every single night.

And I am sick of being told “don’t let them do it” followed by “you can’t pick your kid’s friends, you’re not being fair to her.”

Yeah, line up if you like kids treating you like crap and as a servant in your own home…Didn’t fuckin’ think so.

I can’t be unfair to my kid or those kids. I can’t let them get away with it. They are beyond reason. Maybe it’s my fault for not establishing alpha status like a dog. I just know they only way to deal with them is to not deal with them. I keep waiting to see if this withdrawal winds down if all these crazy feelings will…

I just know I am tired, I am depressed, and I am getting my ass kicked by a couple of badly behaved girls under the age of 8. Which, ya know, is stupid, because if you ask ANY of my exes, they will tell you I am one scary bitch.

So where did I go?

Stupid meds. Stupid brain.

Hand me the melon baller.

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