Incompetent,ineffectual,fuckyouverymuch

Already had my morning call from my dad. And a lecture on how I am “letting” these neighbor kids bully me and he and his woman wouldn’t put up with it….WHATEVER. They have a 5 year old neighbor girl at their house constantly because even though they tell her to go home, she doesn’t listen. Kind of my whole point is I am not LETTING these hell kids do anything. I am getting bent because I say no over and over and over and they just do whatever they want anyway. I throw them out, but they’re still sitting on my step. I get assertive, the 5 year old runs home bawling and I have to contend with a lecture from the parents on how to not upset their snowflake.

This is so not me. I’m an assertive person. It was in fact quite a big issue in some of my relationships because mousy men cannot handle an aggressive assertive woman. And a couple of months ago, I was in this mental space where I could make calls and not question my sanity.

The withdrawal has rendered me utterly incompetent and ineffectual because I no longer know if something is truly wrong or irritating or if I am spazzing because the brain zaps and everything are kicking my ass.

But of course, no one around me knows about any of this shit. I tried to talk to R and to my stepmom, just to let them know in case I began acting really off and needed to go to the hospital…But they don’t want to know and furthermore, they think the idea of anti depressant withdrawal is ludicrous.

My support system is underwhelming.

SO I am left to deal with it all alone, all these ankle biting kids stalking me, being told how I am doing it wrong and the kids don’t respect me but they respect everyone else.

Fine, you want me to take ownership? I own it, when my cycles are at their worst, I don’t know if I am coming or going. I am wishy washy. I will say one thing andfive minutes later change my mind. It’s not intentional.

I am so sick of feeling this way. So sick of being so goddamn exhausted every night that I have no time for what I enjoy because I’ve been stripped bare by everyone else’s bullshit.

I just know a month ago, when Damiana was still here I was irritated but I was not having psychotic reactions like I am now. Because I could send her away and shye would go away til the next day. Because my fingertips weren’t numb and my brain was not zapping and my emotions weren’t a symphony of clusterfuck-y ness. Yeah, I can’t even come up with the right word, my brain is not working.

But one thing I know, withdrawal or not, is when someone is struggling and your idea of being supportive is to criticize them and lay all the blame on them instead of the people behaving badly…

You’re an ass.

Thanks for making it even worse, Dad.

No one can make us feel shittier than people who supposedly love us.

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