The shitty and the shiny


Thursday the brain zaps were mild. The depression, churning thoughts, emotional annoyance-it was all amped up on twenty out of a ten. I began to have hyperventilating heart pounding panic attacks because my brain was on  overdrive, looking for any slight committed against me that could be used as a reason to be hurt or pissed off. And I have no idea why, its not like I want to be that way. In fact, when I am that way…

I hate myself. I hated the way I felt. My kid went to sleep at 7pm. I took 50mg Trazadone and slept myself just to escape my own brain. Though I did pay for the Trazzy D this morning, my brain was wrapped in gauze for two hours. It was all I could do to put clean clothes on my kid and hand her a pop tart.

friday-My brain zaps are constant and disconcerting, especially combined with the Novacaine brain and basically walking around in a floating head haze. My stomach is upset. My panic is barely held at bay by the xanax. I am starting to look like I have Tourette’s because of the brain zaps. The intensity is giving me physical jolts.

Saturday- 95 degrees, high humidity, and neighbor kids literally under my feet. Apparently, hanging out with me is the thing, no matter how many times I tell them to go play. I felt like I was smothering and it brought on the panic and the spazzing out anger.  I become Satan when it’s this warm and i am that crowded. I forced myself to get a grip but not before several meltdowns in which I am sure I resembled more of a child than the children. Gotta love mental illness and all its highly accurate messages telling you people really are trying to smother you therefore it’s okay to be scared and lash out by yelling and damn near bursting into tears.

I don’t think Parent magazine is going to be giving me mom of the year award any time soon.

Now it’s 12:28 Sunday morning. Earlier, all I wanted was to curl up because Spook has been psychotic lately and I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in days without her waking up. Then I realized it’s cooled off and it’s quiet and…I baked macaroon brownies. YUMMMM. I mean, 11pm is the time everyone bakes, right?

So that’s the shitty.

The shiny?

Azazel is NOT dead. He is actually doing well, moving around, eating a bit more. Between the kittens next to the shop and the ones here, I am getting a gazillion hours of fuzzy nuzzle therapy time. I cooked a sausage, egg, and cheese scramble the other night and my kid hugged me and said “You’re the best cooker of them all.” Even though my laptop is gone, I did manage to back some of the stuff from it up so I have been able to watch my favorite shows. I will never stop hating myself for not backing up the pictures, but for all my negative paranoia, I didn’t in a million years see someone invading my home to take a three hundred dollar laptop.

I initially cringed a bit when I heard the new 30 Seconds to Mars song “Up in the air”. Now I am wearing out the repeat function. Different  doesn’t mean bad.

I got a couple of cheapie Halloween items, which made my day because HALLOWEEN IS FUCKING AWESOME.

Maybe I get too focused on the shitty, but there just seems to be soooo much more of it than the shiny. R and his wife lambasted me this week, saying I am an ineffectual parent and the way my kid acts, she deserves a slap on the butt. Sure, I give her a slap on the butt, then I have the rabid “don’t blink at the snowflake, you will damage their psyche” crowd on my butt.

Parenting is a bucket of suck sometimes when people can’t mind their own damn business.

It’s just a preponderance of bullshit like that that gets me down. Just how many bad things have to happy, how much criticism do you have to take, how much mental illness bullshit do you have to deal with…before you’re entitled to be a little salty about it all?

Yeah, I tried. Salty trumped shitty and shiny.

Back to my brain zaps. Too much fun.

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