Untethered

I think I am losing my mind. I know I am losing my will to keep doing this living thing. It’s too hard, it’s too painful, and nothing I do is ever going to be right or amount to anything so what’s the point? I know it’s the fucked up brain chemicals talking but it feels pretty fucking real.

My cat came back and he is dying and there’s not a fucking thing I can do about it. And yes, I am a horrible person for being so selfish as to have a pet I can’t even afford to euthanize to put him at peace.

I also learned today that I am scum for getting food stamps (customer and cashier talking), oh, and single mothers are the reason kids turn out bad so the kids would be better off dead than raised by them.

The nausea is neverending. The 95 degree heat is not making it better. I am just flying off the handle over every tiny thing and now I am crying and I was having panic attacks and the brain zaps just never fucking stop, it’s like having a damn pacemaker deep in your brain that just randomly zaps you for no reason.

I am untethered, unglued, and I’m not even sure I should be loose right now. Part of me thinks I should be a damn looney bin.

It should not be this hard to come off an anti depressant, ffs, what the fuck is this? I thought Effexor was the worstl. I was beyond wrong. I seriously want to die right now, because everything just seems so futile. I need to regroup. I need to take a cool shower  take a xanax, and just calm the fuck down.

But if I calm down then all the bad thoughts get louder.

It’s so fucked up because prior to 4 pm I had had a decent day, sans brain zaps and nausea. Then those hellish girls showed up and my stress level skyrocketed and my mood went to shit. I can’t do a goddamn thing for my cat. I have buried too many damned cats this summer. And it upsets me more than when a family member dies.

I don’t understand life. What’s the whole fucking point to being born only to die? And why do some people get a long life and some people barely get a life at all and others find happiness then die the next day…I wish I had the faith to think it all serves a purposes but right now…

My soul is bleeding.

And scumbag brain says I am a useless piece of crap and I’d be doing my kid a favor if I died.

It would be easier to ignore if the world at large didn’t seem to agree.

This will pass, I know it will.

Just wondering if my sanity will be relatively in tact.

Next time, I’m just gonna shoot heroin. The withdrawal couldn’t be much worse and at least there’d be a high involved.

Kill

me

now.

**** Subject to change based on next mood swing

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2 Responses to “Untethered”

  1. Poor cat. ;( If he came back and is still alive, I recommend taking him to the vet for a checkup as soon as possible as he might still have a chance.

    I hope he either gets better or you find it in your heart that it’s best to let him go. That is extremely painful, I know.

    I buried too many animals and had disappear or die too. I would cry my eyes out for them more than I would for anyone else.

    About your depression, or whatever you have, I am no expert, I’ve been there. A part of me still is. What I did to overcome it was thinking of the people that will miss me and if that doesn’t tip the favour for you, cry it ALL out, even write it down (does really help even if you don’t make anything there public) and try to do better for yourself, find a hobby, life, love etc, It helped me to do both. It’s up to you though. If you ever need a shoulder, I’m here. 🙂

  2. Cats ARE family. And it really, really sucks to see him suffer, I know. You aren’t selfish to have cats when you can’t afford to take them to the vet – his life was 100x better for having a loving home than if he had lived his entire life as a stray. I absolutely believe that.

    And who the fuck says that kids would be better off dead than with a single mother????

    I really hope the withdrawal shit stops soon. Thinking of you, wishing I could help – or at least tell off those self-righteous bitches that said that.

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