Mental bulimia

First…I am not in any way mocking bulimia.

But when you think about it…mental illness is a sort of bulimia. We take our lumps day in, day out, we struggle, we crash, it’s a binge/purge cycle. At least it is for me.

This week has been hellish. My nerves are so frayed that I did a double dose of Xanax just to untangle the nerve endings.

Today was go,go,go from the moment I woke. Took Spook to school, hit a couple of yard sales, came home, fixed hamburger helper for lunch, fed and watered the cats, then out the door. Took Spook to my mom’s and I went into the shop for four hours in the afternoon. And I didn’t hate being there. I seriously hate daywalking, I seem to do soo much better in the afternoon/evenings. Guess I am nocturnal. He had me running errands all over town fetching fuses and such. As soon as I left there, had to go to mom’s for an alleged birthday party for my nephew. Except he never appeared, the party was for the kid of one of my sister’s friends who we aren’t eve related to. And I’m still going WTF, why did we have to be there for people we barely know and don’t much care if we live or die.

Then more errands for R, and finally to his house, for Spook to play with the granddaughter. I didn’t even run home because I did not want to be besieged by bratty neighbor kids. Spook was being an ass, talking constantly while he was trying to watch a movie, so I just cried uncle and we came home shortly before ten.

Then I had to get her ready for bed, tend to the cats, and finally, I got to sit down and take a deep breath.

I hate days like this. Some people thrive on that go-go-go pace. It kills me. I will probably be an aching lethargic zombie all weekend because the week has just been that taxing.

I went in for my blood draw for a Lithium level today. Haven’t heard anything so I must not be in danger of dying from toxicity.

The all too familiar anti depressant withdrawal “brain zaps” have begun. Pretty mild at the moment outside of the way they just strike randomly. Maybe they won’t be too bad.

Now…I think I am just gonna fall face first into a pillow and recharge. But I can’t relax anymore because I feel like those two bratty neighbor girls are stocking us. One day they showed up at before 9 am, we weren’t even dressed or anything. It’s on my last nerve.  My home was my sanctuary. Now I look for ways to go out and avoid it until I know they’re in for the night. I cannot believe I am being bullied by children. There is something seriously wrong with me.

I made a comment about how I can’t do this, things are starting to slip, the stress is breaking me…And someone said, “You are doing it.”

Yeah. Just like every other time in my life when I was managing. When I was able to “do this”.

Until the day I woke up and had basically shut down and crawled up in the closet bawling. Until the day I woke up with a week’s worth of bagged trash ripped open and maggots on my carpet. Until the day I realized I hadn’t showered in two weeks and had nothing to wear but dirty laundry…and wore it.

That’s bipolar. The functional periods are great. They just never last with any set time period. The non functional periods are hell on earth where your will to live has abandoned you and you find yourself so far down in the mental gutter, you’re basically functioning at street hobo level.

So “You are doing it” means shit to me. I’ve lived my life hovering between the flip sides. The only consistency is that the shut down inevitably comes. Good intentions, strength, determination…None of it matters once depression swoops in. And by the time you see it coming, it’s too late, you’re in a hole so deep you can’t claw your way out.

I feel myself slipping, because the stress is just crushing me. Earlier, my kid was sassing me and the neighbor girl was basically shampooing S[pook’s hair with mud and neither of them would listen…And I muttered,”I am coming to fucking hate kids.”

That’s not like me.

And that’s how it usually starts.

So…I am doing it, keeping my shit together.

But I am living on borrowed time,knowing another cyclothymic shift is heading my way.

I am scared.

But right now…I am just drained.

So there…This post was my purging because all week I binged on stress and bullshit.

Time to do it all over again.



3 Responses to “Mental bulimia”

  1. Is there any way you can tell that other mom that you need to set some boundaries? I know the idea of talking to someone else about something like that is terrifying (I called Animal Control about the neighbour’s dog rather than actually speaking to the neighbour… maybe that makes me a bitch, but if attempting to protect my sanity makes me a bitch then I guess I am one) but it might be one way to restore your sanctuary… :/

    • I did talk to the mom about how there are no problems until her girls show up and create trouble. She doesn’t care. Some people shouldn’t be allowed pet goldfish, let alone kids.

      • Lock the door and let them holler and scream until their voices give out? 😛 I’m afraid I’m out of helpful suggestions

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