Appointment with anxiety

I have a shrink appointment at 8:20 am tomorrow.

Which means I am now a nervous wreck. Always have been before any appointment, even ones I looked forward to. It’s a deviation in routine, it sets me on edge. Plus, this is so early in the morning, I live in terror of not being able to fall asleep, then falling off and oversleeping. Doctors can be very unforgiving when you miss appointments.

No matter how many times I tell myself it’s no big deal, I just get anxious anyway. Perhaps from having so many dismissive doctors in my life, I come to equate appointments as being unhelpful and more stress than its worth.

And I think I am dreading this appointment more than usual because I really need to come clean and admit the Cymbalta is setting off manic behaviors. I need Lithium, loathe as I am to face it. But will she believe me? She has this way of being dismissive and making me feel like I sprouted two heads and suggested blood as  a secondary fuel source. Seroquel makes you sleepy? No, that never happens , it’s not a side effect. Even if the pharmacy and manufacturer website say it is, she disputes it.


I have that home  visit FRiday morning by Spook’s new pre school teacher. I have been trying to get the place spiffied up but my god, these neighbor kids are rabid little beasts. They never stop asking for stuff. They never stop bickering. They never stop breaking my kid’s stuff and trying to sneak off with her clothes and toys. And my bitchy side wants to band those particular two kids (mail thief and her sister) but I don’t know if my motives are logical or just emotion taking over because they piss me off so much with their rudeness.

Now all kids are tucked into their respective homes and beds and…I am tired. Very tired. The counselor says all these kids are sapping me of energy I simply don’t have to spare. I think she is right. I wish these two girls had parents who gave a damn. But the fact a cop came to their door and their kid was opening and stealing mail…and they sent her right back to my house to play instead of making her stay home and learn a lesson…They’re not going to conducive to anything I have to say. And the kids act like I am not even there if I try to be assertive. Which does send me into emotional territory, as in angry, and I don’]t make good statements or choices when angry.

I feel trapped by these kids.

I went passive aggressive tonight because I sent them away, told them Spook was napping and to come back after supper.

20 minutes later they came back. I let them knock.

They knocked loud and hard for ten solid minutes.

My kid woke up and I was the bad guy for not answering the door.

I cannot win. I am being run out of my home by all these crappy people. Well, crappy behavior by people who perhaps don’t know any better. I want to believe that. Sometimes, though, no matter how pretty a picture you paint, people are just hideous toads.

R called me 5 times today. Even asked me to come in and help him look for something on what was supposed to be my day free since he had nothing for me to do. I took my kid with me. He did not ask me to stay. Ha ha ha. She annoyed him into submission. I just don’t get why he couldn’t make it one day without needing me to fetch stuff. Seriously. He’s pathetic.

Now…I need to ponder a shower and figure out what else about my home could possibly be considered unfit for a kid and used against me. Ok, my dust bunnies are prehistoric sabretooth variety, but they have never bitten anyone…Sigh…

I may not be able to breathe again until my kid turns 18 and all this school shit is done. I try to view it as a new experience where good things are possible..But hey that’s what I thought when I started letting her play with the neighbor kids. Now I am being stalked in my own home and can’t relax at any given time.

Good things could happen.

About as likely as a snowball surviving in hell.


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