Loser blues

For three days now my brain has been telling me what a loser I am. The mental illness is a pathological liar, I know, but I feel like I am being brainwashed.

It’s been a week from hell and I am not coping with any grace.

Last week, my cat had kittens, dropped them all over the driveway, then refused to take care of them so I buried four kittens over the weekend.

I can’t escape the heathen neighborhood kids, they pound on my door until I open it then basically rush in and won’t leave. I feel like I can’t even come home and relax because they’ve ruined my safe space and make me feel stalked.

I saw the new counselor again today. She’s slightly more useful than sunshine spewer but not by much. That place’s “positive attitude” toward counseling about drives me bonkers. I need to be told when I am off my gourd and not seeing things clearly. But that would be negative and they don’t do that. Useless.

Went to the shop because he said he had something for me to do. He proceeded the whole day doing it himself while I twiddled my thumbs. My mood started out low and pissy, dodging his multiple calls. He actually called my dad and stepmom trying to locate me because I didn’t answer four phone calls. That ticked me off. But then for no reason, I went manic and even though everything sucks and I suck…I went manic.

Came home and someone had ripped open my mail and stolen it, leaving me empty envelopes. Called the cops. Through the grapevine, found out it was this 5 year old girl Spook plays with. My mail was returned and the cop talked to the parents.; Who didn’t even make her stay in for the night, they sent her back to my house to play. She steals my stuff and then I am supposed to babysit her? These are some of the most worthless parents I have ever seen.

The kids overflowed the toilet, didn’t tell me, so I had a damn wading pool in the bathroom. One of them decided to climb into my car to play, which infuriated me because it could run the battery down.

Now I have had my call from R in a drunken frenzy firing off all he wants done tomorrow. I dared to ask if I could leave as soon as I got it all done and he made this snorty noise and snarked,”{If you can get it all done, you can leave whenever the hell you please.”{

ASS.

I am exhausted. I just have nothing left. My brain won’t shut off, it keeps freaking out over all this stuff and seething with sheer irritation. Nothing good comes from associating with others. nAt least not the vapid locals who care only for themselves. I can’t even muster up the energy to fix myself supper even though I am hungry. My body feels so battered and achy and sore. My damn ovarian cysts have been acting up, doubling me over more and more frequently. My head hurts. I feel sleepy but scumbag brain isn'[t don telling me what a loser I am.

Day from hell.

I think it’s time to suck it up and talk to the doctor about going back on Lithium.  The cymbalta is just setting off the mania and causing the mood swings to be too extreme. At this point, being where I feel everything to my bone marrow, I’d welcome lithium numbness. My life is in a depressing spot, and I have a manic fit, which makes people think I am perfectly happy and hunky dory. I come home and my mood crashes into subterranean space.

Not working for me anymore.

Lithium worked wonders. The side effects left much to be desired though.

I am such a loser.

No, I am not, I am human and I fail.

LOSER.

I cannot handle this shit, I am a loser.

No, you’re stressing because it’s been anxiety for two weeks and your mood is low, you are fine all things considered.

LOSER.

I hate my damned brain.

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2 Responses to “Loser blues”

  1. I have some ideas for you 🙂 what are the possibilities you haven’t even considered to release emotions and old mind patterns and thoughts?

  2. A lobotomy sounds like a good idea sometimes… Hugs.

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