The freshest hell…is courtesy of kids

My sorta level mood…Has crashed severely. The part was not a disaster but it was…Disappointing. My kid was being a jerk. The other kids were being demanding picky little jerks.  Only four kids actually made it. THe other three were here for about 20 minutes before their dad came to fetch them and said they had to leave. Not a friendly man. I made 36 cupcakes, had ice cream, I still have 28 cupcakes left, my own kid wouldn’t even eat one. The ice cream too was a fail because they wanted chocolate. The games were a hit, except of course they all wanted the same prizes and I was making an attempt to be diverse so the boy didn’t get a hair clip…

Damiana’s mother and boyfriend stayed which I did not expect, but it wasn’t a problem. Saved me from having to take them to their new home at dark with a busted headlight and no clue where I am going. But outside of kids, I am socially awkward to the nth degree. And aside from talk about the kids, I have nothing to say. The mom was on about how everyone else’s kids are so rude and poorly behaved and well, they can be, but her own two are the worst culprits. They were however on their best behavior which means what they showed me was a treat just for me. They can act better, I just didn’t bring it out in them. I knew that doormat tattoo on my forehead was a mistake.

Now it is done and my kid has zonked and I just feel…Sad. Because I tried so hard and that time and money could have been spent better elsewhere. I mean, toward the end of the party, after they got all the game prizes, they all basically took off to go play elsewhere in the trailer park and left Spook alone at her own bloody party.

Why are people as a whole just such rude inconsiderate assholes?

And why do I feel like someone crushed my soul under the toe of a steel toed boot? I was doing okay…Maybe I am just truly exhausted and I need sleep, reboot the brain.

I just…feel so dejected. Like all that effort was for absolutely nothing. Now I have cupcakes and ice cream and…My own kid wouldn’t even eat a cupcake or give me a hug. I don’t expect a fucking parade, but damn, I tried so hard. To be so unappreciated, and especially to be critiqued by these trailer park kids because I didn’t specifically shop for their individual desires…I was always taught if someone is giving you something free, you either say thank you and accept it or politely say no thank you.

Rudeness is a trigger, I admit it. And my kid was the ringleader of the rude.

I hope a brain reboot does the trick.

I will never do this party thing again. Maybe a low brow sleepover with a friend or two and some popcorn…But I will not pull put all the stops ever again. I am apparently too weak and too shallow to give without at least receiving an ounce of…I don’t even know what I want. Maybe just a “Wow, you’re a cool mom!” as opposed to, “I don’t like this cake, give me chocolate.”

These were kids 7,8,10, years old. They know better. They just…Fuck it, I am being mental.

I was due for a major mood crash, it was bound to happen, was a long stressful week full of activity which I don’t process well. Just another spoke in the mood cycle.

I still feel like a dumbass for putting forth the effort for kids who have so little respect or affection for me. Who was I deluding, thinking these kids like me? They just want to play with my kid’;s stuff, eat our food and treat us like dirt.

I was way happier prior to this trailer park socialization thing. I liked minding my own business. No drama, no rumors, no gossip. No bullshit. Now I feel like I’ve got a dozen footprints left on me and they’re just going to come back to do it again.

And in a normal frame of mind, this would piss me off and make me want to jump on a soapbox.

In my current state…I just feel like the world’s biggest fucking loser. And I feel like an even bigger loser for feeling like a loser. God, does anyone understand this convoluted mental mumbo jumbo?  If my kid had just been happy, it would have been worthwhile. But even she was terrible to me. And that just makes me feel so inept, so incompetent, so not worthy of drawing breath…

Party hardly.

I miss being a hermit. I didn’t get hurt and disappointed much back then. Now that I am trying to adapt and acclimate..It’s a daily thing.

And it sucks.

 

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One Response to “The freshest hell…is courtesy of kids”

  1. I HATE planning things. It always seems like other people’s parties work out, people come, have a good time, eat the food… but mine, nobody shows up, I’ve got 10x too much cake, and spent money on decorations/food/costumes/whatever that should have been allocated elsewhere. That sucks that Spook didn’t seem to care. Kudos to you for trying though. My 30th birthday is coming up – feels like I should do something. Part of me wants to. This is supposed to be a big deal, right? But I know trying to plan something will just stress me out.

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