Haze

Hendrix had a purple haze.

I have this constant gray haze. No colors, just different shades of hazy gray.

My brain rebooted last night with a little sleep, only to wake me at 2 am. I thought I would feel better, though. I didn’t. I just went back to sleep. Which means I am entering back into the depressive cycle where my comfy warm bed and blankie are more important than functionality or enjoyment.

Woke up again at 8 am. Mood was okay, suited the cold rain. Got trash out, cats fed, kid dressed, myself showered. Auto pilot. A little while at the shop. Then mood crash. Followed by a swimming head where things seemed blurred and I was wobbly. Blood sugar thing perhaps? Then came the migraine. Which affected my balance and I tripped and fell. I finally just said I was leaving.

Came home. Neighbor kids already in the yard. I let my kid play for a half hour before my frayed nerves screamed enough.

So the calm from no neighbor kids is canceled out by my kid’s constant need to talk gibberish. I swear she is in love with the sound of her own voice.

My headache went away. But my mood remains low and I keep looking at the clock wondering if it’s her bedtime yet, because then I get to go to bed and roll the dice on a chance to wake up in a different mind set. And that’s all I am gonna do tonight. Sleep. Because I am cranky and irritable and the anxiety is reaching fever pitch and maybe some good solid rest (even if induced by trazadone) will do some good.

I get so sick of doing all the stuff I am supposed to do-take the meds, counseling, et al, and yet never really improving. I read this article on line today where Jennifer Aniston was quoted as saying, “Happiness is a choice, you have to choose to be happy.”

What a wonderful (deluded) sentiment. My brain chemicals don’t know what happy is. Maybe they never did. I sure as fuck don’t choose these rapid non sensical mood changes and distorted thoughts. I fight it with everything I am, actually. I just get my ass kicked.

One thing about being in the gutter mood wise… I had an epiphany as far as my own relationship patterns go. Most men don’t want a partnership. They want a nice tidy codependent situation where they can enable and be enabled. A woman who doesn’t require coddling and doesn’t coddle them is just at odds with what they need.

I am not the coddling type. I am blunt, often brutal. And while I feel bad and in every relationship I try to conform and tow the line…Spewing the party line I don’t believe in for awhile just makes me resentful and I eventually just pop off with how I feel. Because it is more important to stay true to myself than to cater to anyone’s ego.

Fatal flaw? Could be. Or maybe I just haven’t found someone strong enough to deal with my ways. Whatever. It just goes to show that my relationships aren’t so much as failures due to any wrong doing on my part, although I am certainly guilty of much trespassing. It would seem I sabotage things from the get go by trying to be what others want me to be while betraying myself. I can never maintain though because deep down, I have nothing but disdain for those who’d have me be someone I am not to make their ego comfy.

Anyway…From the pits of depression comes clarity.

Now if I could just figure out the rest of my dysfunction.

It will have to wait for the next mood cycle, though. The only thing this one is conducive to is assuming the fetal position.

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