Crash Landing

I was semi manic for three days. Felt good, energy was up, was a chatty Kathy doll from hell. Not that the upbeat thing did any good to boost my standing with the naysayers labeling me too pessimistic. Because ya know they were having a bad day and throwing wrenches and everything was going wrong for them so they were fully justified in acting like 2 years old and being irritated by me being “up.”

Seems fair.

Today…CRASH LANDING. I started out okay. My mom went on the attack when I dropped Spook off and I didn’t even tear up or particularly feel my simmer. It’s just become such a norm, her exploding and saying shit like, “I can’t get along with you, Niki, but at least I love you, Spooky!” Motherly love is the best.

Once I got to the shop, I tried to talk to R, vent a little, since I listen to him, I thought he would reciprocate. Ha ha ha. Instead he said, “If there’s a kid on this planet who needs discipline, it’s yours.”

Yeah, she does, but the way he screamed at her the other night was uncalled for. Sure she was misbehaving, and he was just trying to do good by scaring her into minding me. But his method, midst his wrench throwing tantrum, left me in this space where I said, “My kid isn’t that bad, you just have a stick up your ass.” Not like it mattered because like every word I say, he tunes me out.

As the morning passed, I just kept slipping in mood. I began to feel utterly inept as a mother, completely horrible, beings my own mom doesn’t like me…The stress is getting to me, and everything has started to spin out of control,kicking in the panic attacks. Traffic is a nightmare. Juggling all these kids has become too much.

And the mood hit rock bottom, tears threatened…And it was just one more spoke in the cyclothymia bicycle. Here we go again. FUCK.

My mood lifted a bit because I had to take Spook for a physical, Then I had an appt with the new counselor and took her with me rather than face more of my mom’s wrath. That whole time my kid was very well behaved, didn’t act defiantly, didn’t act like a banshee. She saves that for certain audiences.

Came home. Usually relieved and semi relaxed. Then the kids descended and the noise ensued and my nerves just began to fray and my mood hit lower than rock bottom. Which just a week ago, I was feeling pretty decent and handling it all like a pro.

I get sooo bloody sick of this cycling thing. It never changes. Things get better, things get worse. The counselor says I need a happy medium. Wish someone would tell that to the stupid bipolar.

I had all these household tasks I wanted to do.

Now my mood is so low, my body aches , my brain hurts, the little paranoid thoughts have seeped in telling me because I am not a good disciplinarian they are going to deem me unfit and take my kid away…Logic has nothing to do with whatever psychosis has manifested post pregnancy and all that. I am at times mad as a hatter. Not in a cool “sniper in a clock tower way”, but in a “that person frowned at me, they’re going to come beat me up” way.

I tried to explain it to my mom, hoping maybe if she could understand that I am truly ill, she’d not take everything so personally, like me not coming over often. Now she thinks I am hearing voices telling me to beat my kid. NO NO NO. If it were anything of that ilk, I’d be the first to step away and put my kid in a safe place.

This isn’t exactly psychotic, though the lack of logic makes me feel psycho. It’s more distorted thought and my brain is just rejecting all logic in spite of proof.

Meanwhile, I have people questioning my parenting skills, my stability, my personality. I tossed out to R today, “No one every says anything positive, they just point out everything that’s wrong, so yeah it’s a mystery why I am so negative.”

In one ear and out the other.

But hey, I was out of smokes and he got me some, so I guess my ego can suck it up so my central nervous system can be fed its nicotine.

I feel trapped.

In my own mind.

Nothing ever really changes for long. There is the ebb and flow of life, and then there is cyclothymia.

I swear the anti depressant is working but I can honestly say the things that used to make me gleefully happy because I just enjoyed them…That lust for life is long gone. I love my kid, but my brain just isn’t making any truly happy chemicals. And it’s one more thing to make me feel like a lost cause.

So since I can’t seem to get myself out of this mood with all the counselor’s suggestions…I think I will assume the fetal position in bed, go to sleep, and hope for a brain reboot.

This low down, it can only go up.

I HOPE.

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2 Responses to “Crash Landing”

  1. Sometimes the only thing you can do is curl up in the fetal position… I hope you feel somewhat refreshed and rebooted. There are ALWAYS going to be household tasks you “should” be doing. So long as you have clean underwear and nobody’s getting the plague you’re doing ok. 🙂

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