Provoked

I did not appear at the shop today. I was never contacted. Yet, my mood was still down and my nerves frayed to the point of angry anxiety. And I think I may have an inkling of what made things suddenly change. For about six days, waiting for *someone* to cover my meds in exchange for my servitude, I ran low and had to do some shuffling. I started taking 90mg of Cymbalta in the morning, I kept forgetting to take my 50mg Lamictal during the evening. It may seem like a small thing, but I was actually feeling a LOT better when I divided the doses into two points in the day. This could well be why I am so agitated and down. I will rectify it and be a good girl. If my senile brain allows my memory to work properly.

I was watching “Deadly Women.”

And they have this criminal profiler chick in every episode, and in this one, she was talking about this woman who basically murdered her ex-husband. She was  borderline and narcissistic disorder and the profiler said it”would be impossible for ANYONE to live with someone with those disorders for long periods of time.”

And my guilt addled conscience popped its head up and began the self flogging and self examination and put my own actions under the microscope.

I still don’t think I am that bad.

But then, what person really does grasp the extent in which their actions impact others?

What I saw as trying to maintain a tight rein on my world to avoid complete panic, someone else viewed as me trying to control them.

What I saw as being a devote self sacrificing mom, someone else viewed as some sort of betrayal and neglect.

So now that a stupid show has “provoked” my self introspection machine, I am guilt tripping and self analyzing and it’s never going to lead anywhere good.

So why can’t I stop?

I mean, I point blank asked the doctors and therapists about borderline or narcissistic. They all said I may have a quality here and there from multiple disorders, I don’t have enough of the criterion to meet any specific personality disorder. Thus my file saying “personality disorder not otherwise specified.”

Great, they’re comfortable labeling me fucked up, but they can’t even explain it with a diagnosis of specificity.

I suppose the ideal answer would be “Don’t watch thought provoking shows.”

I tried the avoidance thing for two years when reality and news were major triggers. It didn’t work.

And there’s no way to avoid being provoked into th0ught because every tiny thing around you has the potential to set off the spark.

I just wish I could get a solid diagnosis of what my personality disorder(s) are so I can work on them. What good is a non specific label toward helping me fix that which comprises the disorder? I may not be able to conquer bipolar on my own, but it seems to me maybe if I identify what I do that seems to put me right back on the hamster wheel then I can find the strength to begin tweaking things here and there.

I couldn’t even get a personality disorder properly. I am sooo cool.

Now…off to feel guilty about every crappy thing I have ever done because if I forgive myself then that’s absolution and not owning my actions and that’s a whole new personality disorder.

Maybe it won’t be a long torture, considering how the 93 degree heat has tapped me dry for signs of life. I am just weary and tired and uncomfortable.

And to a small extent, I think, still with a lingering depression in spite of the improvements.

Nothing is perfect though, right?

 

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