My kilter is off

Nothing traumatic today, didn’t even have to be at the shop. Amazing how an off mood suddenly renders you unnecessary.

BUT it wasn’t so much a bad mood. It was anger and irritation. I just felt OFF. Snapping at every little thing, things I usually blow off. Today it all just got under my skin and there were times I’d open my mouth and snip and think, God, what crawled up your butt and died, you bitch? I can’t even use the shark week excuse. Best I can figure aside from 90 plus degree heat is remnants of 25 mg Trazadone. It may help me sleep but man does it leave me hungover and reeling.

Still the doctor doesn’t get why I’d rather lose sleep than feel so off kilter every day.

I just…I was functional today, just snippy. Don’t know how to better describe it.

The good part was though, we ran out a few times which meant the neighbor kids were dodged repeatedly and I actually got to  spend quality time with my kid, who doesn’t channel satan when there’s no audience to impress. Yes, she is a bundle of energy and she is full of piss and vinegar, but when no one is around, I don’t have a whole lot of problem getting her to mind. Of course, NO ONE ever sees that. All they see is a mom who apparently is so inept she has zero control over a 4 year old.

Appearances are deceiving, kinda like all the people in this town who pretend to be so church-y and self righteous and most of them are functional alcoholics. Or the so called low lifes, like me, treated like dirt because we’re broke, but really we’re ten times smarter and classier than the ones judging us.

Yeah, it’s definitely one of those “brain reboot” nights because nothing pleasant is going to emerge from this state of having my kilter off.

(Yes, I know that sounds stupid, I am trying to be funny, but why should I succeed at that, since I fail everything else? I keep trying, doesn’t that get me a participation trophy or something?_

Oh, and today the snow cone stand’s flavor of the day was “Blue’s Clues.”

My macabre side has this mental image of that cartoon dog in a blender. I have been watching wayyy too many Simpsons Treehouse of Terror episodes.



6 Responses to “My kilter is off”

  1. I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but I don’t know why your doctor doesn’t try something else like ambian for sleep if you don’t deal well with trazadone. Of course, I don’t know your situation and you may have tried other things. In any case – wish you well!

    • Tried Ambien, didn’t care for it, then insurance wouldn’t pay. I just really don’t like taking things for sleep, I actually hate it. It seems like such a basic thing, going to sleep, why should I need pills for that too? I may just go back to melatonin, it’s cheap and light on side effects. Problem is, I build a tolerance and eventually I max out and it doesn’t work. Weird thing is, I can double my xanax and get a good night’s sleep and no hangover. Funny how stuff works differently for everyone.

      • But people tend to build tolerance to xanax pretty quickly too from what I hear. Hope you figure something out.

      • I understand that is true, I just must be the anomaly because my Xanax dose has gone down, not up over the years and it is just as effective. And I am the one who asked for the decrease so the image of some addict having conniptions for the next dose is blown as well. My old shrink called it a “controlled addiction” and I can live with that a lot easier than with panic and paranoia running rampant. Sorry to prattle, but I always feel the need to chime in on the Xanax issue because apparently, my experience has been the exception to the entire history of the drug.

      • no problem! whatever works for you is best.

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