Sad, sad, sad

Had a complete and utter tear fest Friday.

The kitten I rescued and fought so hard to save…Died Friday. And even though Castiel was only with us a week, I had grown quite attached to the little guy and his adorable little face. I am haunted by his eyes. I cried, and I cried, and I cried, to the point of ending up with a headache.

And I cursed God. Yes, I did the unthinkable.

But damn it,that little kitty didn’t do a damn thing to deserve what he went through. Abandonment, losing his littermates, having a stroke. And yeah, that’s what it was, his leg wasn’t broken, he had a stroke that wiped out that entire side. But he fought valiantly, trying to get around on his own. He was brave and he will not be forgotten.

And I am tearing up.

It’s not fucking fair. You have horrid people, serial killers, pedophiles, et al, that live on and on. But this sweet little kitty who seemed born only to suffer dies. Pardon me if that makes me doubt the existence of some benevolent being. It sucks. I hate it.

But to avoid making my kid more upset I dried the tears up yesterday and the house filled with kids, all of whom want to flock to my side rather than my kid’s. I don’t get it, I am not *that* nice. If anything, I was a little grumpy yesterday due to my sadness. And all the kids could do is ask where the kitten’s body was so they could look at it. What the fuck? That seemed so blasphemous to me, not letting the little guy rest in peace before being buried. They are just kids, but it seemed so ghoulish to me. And it hurt. And it made me sad all over again.

One of the new kids that’s been coming over asked if she could call me Aunt Niki. Her sister asked if she could call my mommy. I told her that would be disrespectful to her own mom and she could just call me Nik, or Niki. But it’s sooo sweet. It’s like these kids are just starving to death for adult interaction. And while Damiana’s parental figures don’t seem to care a whole lot, these girls have parents who care because they have to check in every hour. Maybe the parents care and don’t have time for the warm fuzzy stuff.

My kid channeled Satan, as she does when there is an audience. I can’t help but feel utterly inadequate when she completely bulldozes me, then if that fails, she manipulates and deflects. And I wonder what I did wrong. Should I have been stricter and sterner when she was smaller? How did I fuck this up? It’s said most personalities are fully developed by age five (not sure I buy it) and my kid is almost four. Have I turned her into a budding sociopath?


But in spite of the kids being here off and on for 9 hours, I held up pretty well. My kid was the only one other than Damiana pushing my buttons.

I miss Castiel. I really am haunted by his little eyes. He was doing so well for awhile, seeming so content and happy. And all for what? So he could die? What’s the fucking point? I am having a hard time seeing why anyone tries to live a life. No one gets out of life alive, anyway, so what’s the point?

And yeah, I know it’s not right to have more emotion for cats than people but the cats have never fucked me over.

I woke at 4:50 am. I tried to go back to sleep, but once it was light out, forget it. Now I face a long day with morning brain and I am not excited. But my mind just kept spinning round and round and it seemed brighter to get up and do something rather than lay there and let myself be driven insane.

But I feel the “woke before 7 am” burning eyes and cloudy brain and that never bodes well for a good day.

But I am in mourning for Castiel so a good day probably wasn’t in the cards either way.

My respite is today my dad is coming to get Spook to take her to this 4h fairgrounds thing to look at animals. I was invited, they offered to feed me even, but aside from not doing the crowd thing (PANIC PANIC PANIC) I could use the break. And without her here, the kids will go away or I will eat their souls.

I just feel so damned sad and hopeless. Yes, I have other cats. But I don’t subscribe to that “heir and a spare” bullshit. I bonded with Castiel in a certain way. I miss him. I was used to him sleeping on my headboard at night.




5 Responses to “Sad, sad, sad”

  1. I’m sorry that little kitty had to die, but at least it left with your mark of love on its sweet little soul.

    • Thank you. My father made this tsk-tsk “You are so silly” sound when I told him how hard I was taking it. For those of us with social anxiety and limited social skills, our pets become not just our friends, but also our family and a lot of people just don’t get it. But you put it in a nice way, maybe I did make his short time here feel better as he improved things for me.

  2. Perfectly understandable that you’d miss and mourn Castiel. Anyone who doesn’t understand that has no heart.

    I buried a magpie I found on the road last week. They are a pest bird, it was hit by a car. I talked to it, told it it was safe now and to sleep. It was dead in my arms. There is a dead possum near my house. I want to bury it too but I haven’t had time, which kills me.

    You fought to give him a life when everywhere else was telling him to give up.

    I miss Bigg, my housemate’s old cat she just gave away. And he wasn’t even mine. I tear up everytime I think or talk about him. And he didn’t die, just went to a new family.

    Just because these children have parents who check in and seem to care, you never really know what goes on behind closed doors. People find role models where they need them. Role models aren’t always the ‘straight A student, president of some big company, singers, actors etc’. They find their role models where they need them. Embrace it and share a little of your love and knowledge.

    So much love to you. I will light a candle for Castiel. May he find peace wherever he is.

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