It’s not you,it’s me…Well, maybe it’s a little you and a lot me…

Having had a break from the drama of the shop for that one day, even though it was packed with the chaos of kids, I have gained some insight into my own behavior as well as that of those around me. I don’t like it, I don’t entirely accept it, but I am working toward the place where I can to some extent leave it alone. I am starting to see how I can be annoying. I annoy myself, so it stands to reason I would annoy others. Just because I am deeper than a kiddie pool doesn’t mean I have the right to expect those around me to be. If shallow works for them, I need to accept it.The only problem with this is it is going to breed a total sense of pity for them on my part. I just do pity shallow people who lack self awareness. But it seems to be what is called for for my own emotional survival.

So I sucked up my panic and just appeared at the shop the other day, wanted or not, because I needed the board numbers for something he wanted me to find. I ended up staying, per his request. Hey, I got smokes and lunch out of it, so not entirely a waste of my time. One thing about it, I’d have to give up all my vices were it not for R enabling them financially. I would never take from my budget for my kid for my own idiocies. But with R being a vice enabler, at least I get what I otherwise wouldn’t have. Time to start spewing sunshine myself. If I can’t get what I want, I will take what I can get. And take. And take. Because if that’s what he’s willing to give freely, I am in no position to demand more.

Besides, he kind of demonstrated both that he is mentally coming undone from all the booze, and that he does, in his own way, have a protective thing toward me. I got into that drama over calling the woman about whether she was going to pick up that TV, and mind you, I had no clue who she was…And it turned out she was my sister’s boss and I got a lot of shit from my mom because the woman complained I was rude t0o her on the phone. Well I went and asked R if I had been rude, because he was standing right there when I made the call.

Next thing I know, he is on this vendetta against this woman, as the TV had been there, done, for five weeks and the woman kept promising to come get it but never did. He finally goaded her into calling back and she went on a self righteous tirade about how “You never ever speak to me that way, no one speaks to my that way!) Because yeah, being asked to pay for your TV repair after 5 weeks of storage is totally rude. Given, when she finally did breeze in to get it, R was flippant with her, but then, she told us her check WAS going to bounce and what kind of moron does that? “Here, I’m going to openly commit a crime by bouncing a check and admit to it proudly.” STUPID.

But yeah, he hadn’t much cared about that TV until I told him the fallout I took for calling the woman. Then it got personal for him. Maybe I am flattering myself and he did it for shits and giggles for himself. Still, I’m going to humor myself by thinking he was backing me up, albeit in a way that’s probably not good for business. But then it’s his business, so if he wants to destroy it, what can I do?

And people are starting to take note that he is indeed spiraling out of control with the drinking. Making drunken calls at night, barely remembering them the next day. Coming in to work reeking of beer oozing out his pores. Wearing clothes that are dirty and holey for days at a time. Walking around with no shoes on while at work. He claims he is happy, all is well, no problems, but the rest of us see  him coming undone. For about five days, he had actually made an effort to cut back on drinking. Then boom, he’s right back to it, 80,90,100 ounces of beer every night, even when he’s had a good day.

So I am going to start considering the source on this one. Yes, to some extent, my own issues are the problem.

And I am going to make a concentrated effort to stop bitching so much in this blog. Honestly, if I can’t cope with this non job, I will never be able to get an actual job. I need to get my shit together.

But considering his downward spiral and the fact others are beginning to see it as well…

His opinion is becoming less and less valid.

Let him throw his stones about my issues.

If I am in a bad mood, I will lob the fuckers back at him and aim for his head.

Or more painful for him, his beer can.

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2 Responses to “It’s not you,it’s me…Well, maybe it’s a little you and a lot me…”

  1. overcoming depression Says:

    “I annoy myself, so it stands to reason I would annoy others”. Yes it stands to reason. But it is not necessary that you annoy others as much as you anoy yourself. There may be people who accept yourself more than you accept youself. May be yoiu get annoyed with your behaviour since you set the standards for yourself too high. Others may not have set such a high standard for your behaviour. It is quite possible that everyone else is far more charitable to you than you yourself are to you. Just a thought.
    Hug,
    Niranjan

    • morgueticiaatoms Says:

      Nice thought but he point blank said, “You annoy the piss out of me.” That’s pretty succinct, right? But then I have emotions and moods and don’t coddle his alcoholism, so I am sure I do annoy him. He annoys me, too. But then my other friend likes me just the way I am, so you have a valid point. I just can’t abide someone who says, “You’re annoying,” and I counter with, “You do things that annoy me too”, and he responds with this look of complete bewilderment and says, “I don’t see how I could, there’s nothing wrong with me.”
      I’m hard on myself but I’m not exactly surrounded by supportive, understanding people so they’re pretty hard on me, too.

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