Damned

Ever find yourself in that proverbial catch 22 position where you are damned if you do, damned if you don’t?

Kind of where I am right now.

Having been called passive aggressive, I have acted in kind (petty,perhaps, but whatever) and avoided all contact with R for the last 24 plus hours. Because no matter what I say to him it’s not going to be the right thing. My wording will be wrong, my tone will be wrong, it will just be wrong if it is anything other than reciting a haiku about why the sun shines out of his ass and why busted stuff is my life.

Never gonna happen.

So I fall into old patterns where if I can’t make a choice, I do nothing. It’s never smart, it never works out well, yet here I am. Because I can’t respond the way he will deem acceptable, I am not responding at all.

He sent me a text this morning. Said, “Hope you are having a wonderful day.”

That’s two references in two days with the word “wonderful”, which is not a word he ever uses except sarcastically.

But playing devil’s advocate I thought, maybe he’s sincere. Stranger things have happened right?

Still…I make no move. Because I can’t figure out what move to make that would make things work where neither of us feels like we’re being mistreated or screwed over.

I stand behind my feelings. I’m me, it’s wrong, I tried to express concern it was wrong. I am moody, it is wrong. I tried to use humor, it was flippant. And every time I have called him on it, he has deflected by saying, “I can’t win with you.”

Deflection sucks.

I spent my day surrounded by 7 kids, only one who was mine. One of the new hangers on actually hugged me and told me she loved me. Makes me wonder if these kids are just that starved for any kind of adult attention and interaction. Her sister said she never wanted to go home because she was having too much fun here.

How can I function so well with kids and yet be such a failure with everyone else?

The newbie kitten can’t do much but drag itself around with the broken leg. Which is grueling to watch, so I have it in a basket and have been hand feeding and watering it, keeping it cool and comfy.

It was not a bad day. But it was a day of tortured contemplation, a mixture of emotions, and wayyy too much stimulation for my brain. Now my back hurts and I am tired but my mind was stop trying to figure out a graceful way to make this situation with R work. My dad heard I was told not to go in today and asked, “What’d you do to piss him off?”

I admit I am extremely flawed,  but this thing where I am the only one who does something to piss off and alienate others is bullshit. I mean, he could have asked if I wanted a day off or if I was pissed at R. Why is the assumption always that I’ve done something wrong? And since when is having feelings that get hurt doing something wrong?

I know I am in the right on this. Perhaps I’ve been a little passive aggressive histrionic but I’ve put up with being taken for granted for over a year now. I don’t need this shit. I have a family to make me feel crappy about myself.  You cannot call it a friendship if the only contact you have with a person involves your business.

The social contact is always instigated by his wife. Which perhaps says all there is to be said.

But I can’t afford to burn the bridge with R.

I also can’t sell myself out and keep feeling this tormented daily.

I know one thing for sure: The atonement is done. I have more than served my penance with R for my past misdeeds of mood swings and erratic emotion. I owe him nothing.

It still leaves me with a headache, exhausted, and no clue what I can do that isn’t going to be wrong.

I suppose this is how I made The Donor feel.

Karma is a bitch.

In all fairness though, the Donor told me from day one his first wife had beaten him down and scarred him, so I can’t take blame or credit for that. But yeah, I guess a completely different belief system and being reminded of it every day…I probably did make him feel bad about himself. Though still not sure how you can walk out on three kids and feel good about yourself.

Bygones.

One thing about it…Everything you do, even unintentionally, comes back to bite you on the ass.

I really do feel like queen of the damned, minus the cool vampires.

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