Vortex of suck strikes again

To keep this from turning into an epic rant, I am going to take the things bothering me the most and break it down. Or try to, anyway, I suck at self editing.

*Saw the sunshine spewer for the last time today. While she is supportive and finds me funny, her just sitting there staring at me expectantly like I am a seal expected to balance a beach ball on my head…I gotta admit, in spite of my lack of grace in dealing with change, I have *hope* that the new counselor might actually help me. It could be worse, for all I know. But it could be better, too. It’s happening with or without me, might as well go in with cautious optimism.

*R had food poisoning yesterday and I asked him before I left if he felt any better and did he need anything before I went. Later, I sent a text saying I hoped he felt better and included a funny from our running Llama with hats thing. He called later and said, “I am feeling better, not that you care, you were pretty flippant about it.” I swore my head felt like it was going to implode. I told the counselor about it and she suggested I call him on it. So I did, telling him honestly that he hurt my feelings. Which he quickly deflected, making me feel like I was being a pain for having feelings to be hurt. It set a very sour tone for my day.

*Castiel, the new kitten I rescued, somehow got a broken leg. Not sure how, but the poor thing…I don’t know what I can do to help him, sans have the shelter put him down. I mean, R has a thousand bucks for a car stereo, but spotting me money to take the cat to the vet is asinine. So my heart is breaking while I try to make the kitty comfortable as can be under the circumstances and I just feel like everything I touch turns to shit. My whole goal was saving this little orphan cat and now its leg is broken and…Cripes, it just sucks. And it sucks more to go on line and read shit like, “If you can’t afford to take your pet to a vet, the ASPCA should take your pets away.” Jesus. I found him outdoors, abandoned and dying. I buried two of his littermates. I have tried to do well…It just sucks. I am going to make some calls tomorrow, see what can be done…

*Because apparently I was such a pain in R’s ass today with my ya know, having feelings and all, that I won’t be needed tomorrow. Of course it was a text (I ignored three calls from him) saying I could have “a wonderful day with Spook.” The man has never said anything of the like before aside from the last time my emotions made him irritated.  Tell me there isn’t a direct correlation and I will call you a fucking liar. And weirdest thing is, I predicted it. I knew when the phone rang he was going to tell me not to come in tomorrow. Because any time me being a human deeper than a wading pool annoys him,  rather than see it as maybe himself being a problem, it’s put on me and “Let her come back in a better mood.” HAVING FEELINGS THAT GET HURT OR OFFENDED IS NOT A MOOD SWING YOU STUPID JACKASS. And saying in a text “I’m sorry if I did anything to offend you” when I stood right there and TOLD you what you did to offend me which you blew off…just makes you a dick.

*When I returned to the shop after faxing and scanning for shop business, Kenny was there. And my mood lifted, because Kenny and I play off each other ala That 70’s Show, with the sarcastic burns and barbs. The same thing R takes as some sort of affront to his ego. At one point when we were all bantering (or so I thought) R told me I was mean spirited. And again, I thought my brain was going to bleed. Kenny’s sitting there busting his chops the same way, but I do it and I am mean spirited. Even Kenny said on this one R was in the wrong. For Kenny, R said he would “work on it”.

Bull

shit.

*At one point tonight, my kid has SIX kids over playing. And while it induced panic, it still wasn’t as stressful as dealing with R. Plus, I had such a vortexy sucky day, I sent the kids home at 7pm and when they came back, I held my ground.

*My mom jumped me when I went to pick up my kid. Apparently one of the people R had me call today about picking up their TV because it’s been there 5 weeks…was my sister’s boss and the woman felt that I had been rude to her. Again. Brain…bleeding…That woman got the same spiel all the others I called got. The place is a repair shop, not a storage locker, so yes, after so long, we call to ask people if they’re going to pick up the tv or if we should just sell it.THIS is the problem with small towns. Everyone knows everyone to some degree. Bad enough to deal with rude customers and the oblivious kiddie pool that is R. Now I have to listen to my mother expound on how she knows how I can be sometimes. My own mother takes shots at me daily but no one can figure out why I am so fucked up.

Brain…bleeeeeeeding.

* At one point today I went outside for a smoke, and since he is usually busy lollygagging, I didn’t think a thing about closing the door. Especially since the air was on and I knew even two seconds of the door being open would get him mad. Well, ten seconds later he made a comment about “Love the passive aggressive way you just slammed the door in my face.” Yep. I am totally passive aggressive, that’s why I am so blunt and in your face. For fuck’s sake, I wasn’t paying a damn bit of attention to behind myself, I was looking ahead where I was walking, so I had no clue he was on my heels. IDIOT. Is he trying to make me go insane and reach for a shovel?

Now that I know I don’t have to be there tomorrow (and newsflash, motherfucker, I hadn’t planned on coming in anyway, since my emotion is such a bummer and all) I should feel relieved and revitalized. Instead I just feel fucking drained and depressed. Everything I touch turns to shit. No self pity, just observation. How long before I turn my kid into Jeffrina Dahmer? Hell, I couldn’t even keep a cactus alive, I am such a fuck up. And the bitch of it all is, I TRY so fucking hard. To fail in spite of this just makes me feel like I should throw myself in front of a bus.

But hey, why bother. Soon, R will throw me under the bus.

Of that I have zero doubt.

He hasn’t changed a bit and I’ve only gotten more complex which he absolutely cannot handle.

So, yeah, no need to seek out a bus, it’s coming my way soon enough.

Just hopefully after he fixes this worthless fucking car he advised me to buy.

Does that make me a bad person?

To quote Malcolm Reynolds, “Eh, I’m okay.”

 

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2 Responses to “Vortex of suck strikes again”

  1. I think you need to find a different job. I know there are a couple reasons why you work there currently and why other types of work wouldn’t suit, but maybe an environment where no one knows you or any of your family, might be beneficial?

    Sorry, not trying to tell you what to do, just brainstorming.

    And generally the ones who say that someone else is being passive aggressive, are the passive aggressive ones. Don’t feel too bad about the situation with the kitten. Even if the worst happens and he has to be put to sleep, it’ll be for the best. And you’re thinking in the best interest of the kitten. You saved him, he would have died much sooner if not for you. And that “if you can’t afford to take your pets to the vet, don’t have pets” is BULL SHIT. Vets are expensive, no matter your financial situation.

    Sending lotsa love your way beautiful.

    • The thing I like most is it’s NOT a job. No pay, no salary, no real rules. It’s a barter system, I help him out, he puts a new radiator in my car. I help him out, he fixes the car exhaust. I get in a bind with a high power bill, he buys my cigarettes for the month. It really is beneficial, I just can’t seem to sacrifice my craving for respect and consideration. I’ll own that. But I have been looking for other stuff to earn money, and I was just recently rejected for a position,so this is all I have. If venting helps me through it, it’s what I have to work with it. As for the kitten, it’s amazing. It’s up and hobbling around of its own volition and while it looks a little drunk, it’s eating and drinking again and wants to be held! Maybe I don’t destroy everything I touch. Thanks for the love, sweetie. Right back at ya!

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