Crowded and clouded

The week drained me. Shark week, holiday, socialization. I have been exhausted and grumpy all weekend because every tiny thing seems like a thousand nails on a chalkboard. I do not handle stress with any grace. People, kids, cats, expectations, obligations, it has all snowballed and while I functioned fairly well, I am now having my post break down.

Or at least a cool down. I don’t feel anything but tired.

Which is good, to not feel anything. Not mad, not sad, not happy. Just…Tired. Tired is a simple way to feel. The solution is to rest. Whereas with mood swings there is no solution, no rhyme, no reason. I can handle tired.

Thing is, I have been sleeping, maybe 6, 7 hours a night. I am still drained, my brain still feels clouded. When I say that interacting in the petri dish sucks the life out of me, it’s not a dramatization. It literally leaves me drained because it is just so stressful.

Plus I have now had time to think about the cookout, and things that happened or were said, and OCD scumbag brain has decided to latch onto some of it as a prime example of “why bother trying” to interact. Because nothing I do will ever be right. I will never fit in, I will never feel like I belong, I will never be what others seem to need me to be.

Fortunately, I have been too tired and busy functioning to really truly obsess.

Last night, aside from Castiel, the abandoned kitten,  I kicked the cats out and shut my bedroom door because I felt so crowded I was smothering. It has to be extreme for me to kick the cats out. One of the biggest joys in my life is to wake up to the sound of a purring kitty. But dealing with people all week, in the extreme, left me feeling a need for space. Lots of space. My kid was asleep, so I decided to just take the space and enjoy it.

Now I am done running errands for the weekend, I swear. Shopping for this and that, faxing for R, fetching movies from the library for my kid…It wears me down. Plus my car is an absolute piece of shit that runs like shit, so being out in it just proves more frustrating than fun and free.

Like I need one more thing to piss me off.

Which at the moment, I am not. But when I got home from grocery shopping and Damiana was waiting outside the trailer for us, the anger boiled up. The child is a bloody stalker. Who eats our food and leaves and comes back 20 times a day. How is that not going to piss a person off? last night I sent her home and told her not to come back. I just get to the point where if I have to look at her one more second, I am going to gouge my own eyeballs out with barbecue skewers.

It’s not right. I LOVE kids. I just don’t like annoying rude kids. I don’t like kids who use people. I don’t like kids who don’t listen.

And since my own kid doesn’t listen, I sometimes don’t like her. In my dysfunctional mind, like and love are two very different separate things. You don’t have to like someone to love them. (Look up family in the dictionary!) But in all fairness, it’s not my kid I dislike, or well, anyone for that matter. It’s the BEHAVIOR. Behavior is not exclusive to age, race, gender, economic background, sexual orientation. On this I am very black and white, NO shade of gray. If you behave like a jerk, then you are acting like a jerk.

Being a prime example of someone who occasionally acts like a jerk, I feel justified in making this declaration. But I am not my bad behavior. I try daily to improve.

Not easy to do when your every thought is distorted and you question every thing you think and do.

But I try.

Which is a hell of a lot more than a lot of people do.

Now…back to vegetating.

Speaking of…Very twisted joke:

Mrs. Dahmer says to her son Jeffrey, “I don’t think I like your neighbors.”

Jeffrey replies, “It’s okay, Mom, just eat the vegetables.”

(Yes I am a sick and twisted little twonk!)


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