Life’s little fuck yous

So I am sailing along yesterday and this morning…No major mood crashes, no major irritations…Had to go renew my Magic Jack yesterday because like an idiot, I never check the desktop slave computer and forgot my year service was up. So I had to load money on my debit card at Wal Mart, come home, get that all set up so I’d have home phone. Grabbed some groceries.

Got beckoned to the shop.

Nothing major there, except Ursula and her husband stopped in. She hit a deer and totaled her car. Which made me feel crappy since I was on such a tirade about her the other day. (I stand by my assessment that she is sort of heartless and judgmental to the nth degree.) But I’d never wish a car wreck on anyone. It’s her second in the last year. So it’s like, oh, that poor kid can’t catch a break…Isn’t it funny the way my mind works? She all but called me lazy white trash who chooses to be mentally ill…And something bad befalls her and instantly my compassion kicks in, whether she deserves it or not.

Mostly I try to remember the kid she used to be, back when we were close. And I know how R feels about his kids, so I could never openly disparage them, no matter how true it is. Though I have voiced my concerns about how many of her patients will kill themselves when she takes that hard line with them.

Gah. I am such a mess, mentally.

But it was not a bad day, got shit done, no major catastrophes. R wasn’t even annoying. We went to my dad’s so he could finish up their dryer, dad bought us take out from the local cafe. Came back, it was typical Friday with Spook playing with his granddaughter. I had a little cake vodka. But his middle daughter was there with her husband, then the oldest showed up with her husband, and it was a family get together and I felt a little misplaced. But I just stayed in the living room with the kids and let the adults do their thing. Ha ha ha, I’m 40 and I still view everyone else as an adult and I’m just…well, I’m just me, defying any real classification. Part child, part adult. Womanchild. Because I’d rather get on the floor and play with Ark animals with two under 5 children than try to relate to older people. I suck at it. Kids are easy.

We left. Came home, we both went to sleep within two hours of returning. Had a good night’s sleep for the most part. Got up, thinking we would hit a few yard sales since Spook needs summer clothes…And boom, a piece of my muffler breaks off the car and it’s now in violation of the noise laws. So we came back and here we shall sit until R gets back to me about what to do about the damn thing. That fucking car is the bane of my whole life. It may be newer and prettier than the old Chevy, but it has given me more headaches than any of my old cars. If I ever get the bright idea of upgrading again, I’m gonna shoot myself.

So, yeah. Scumbag life strikes again. Things are going okay, mood seems to be in a solid space, life’s not sucking so bad…And in walks life and says, “Feeling happy and relaxed? Can’t have that, here’s a car problem you can’t fix, muhahaha.”

Fuck.

So now my anxiety and irritation are back.

R never contacts me on weekends so I am pretty much stuck until Monday when he deems to speak to me again. Yay. My dad would help but he knows shit about anything made past 1988. Shit, shit, shit.

I hate being dependent on anyone.

I mean, it’s drivable if you can stand the noise and don’t mind risking a noise pollution ticket. My nerves are not steady enough to deal with that risk. So I am basically crippled. I hate it.

But on the plus side, my mood hasn’t crashed into the abyss, as it usually does when shit goes wrong. I try to roll with the punches, but I can never keep my irritation from knocking me down a few pegs. Shit goes wrong,  blah blah blah. It still sucks.

Oh well. I have a cat draped over my shoulder, which is a nice feeling. Azazel is ten times the man any human male could be. He’s my snuggle bunny. Or snuggle kitty. My kid is happily playing with a yard sale toy we got before the muffler issue arose. We have a fridge full of food. No real need to run out at the moment. I have lots of housework to keep me busy. And books to read. Life’s not entirely bad, right?

I am trying soo hard to be less negative.

But life’s little fuck yous make it very difficult.

What I wouldn’t give for the perfect day. No mood swing, decent mind space, low anxiety, well behaved kid, no housework to do, no car problems, no stressful people to deal with, and a good night’s sleep. Most people want to win the lottery. I just want to have a good day for a change.

 

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