Black, white, and avoidance

I did not call in today. Actually, I practiced avoidance behavior because, 1.) Kenny was there, and 2;) I am enjoying having my sanity and soul back. No matter, R hasn’t tried to contact me in any way for two days. Because he has Kenny and I am not needed. It was as I said all along. I am not negative, I am just aware of my surroundings. It would be nice on occasion if people would prove me wrong and not turn out to be complete sociopaths.

Sunshine spewer says my main personality trait that is disorder-ish is that I see things in black and white without shades of gray. This came as a huge shock to me because my view of myself is that everything is in so many shades of gray, I can’t determine which way is up. Apparently, I need to stop seeing everything as all good or all bad.

Which leads right back to that APB I put out about where is my happy medium.

I asked her how to find it, considering the bipolar and all. She admitted that it is nearly impossible for bipolar patients to find a medium and keep a balance.


Shall I make the Brooklyn Bridge disappear for my next act?

I swear she sets me up to fail. Here, you need to do this, but because of your condition, it’s not likely you will be able to do this. HUH?

I used to truly believe in therapy. Now I am having doubts that it does anything but fuck me up more.

And I really don’t agree that I see things as all good or all bad. Part of my never ending torment is that I can, if I dig deep enough and am in the mood, find good even in some pretty bad things. (Excluding child abuse, harming animals, bullying, and Justin Bieber.)  The other night I had a little mood crash but I curled up in bed and Azazel was sleeping next to me, purring, and just that little thing made it seem not so bad. Maybe it’s just that I don’t focus on shining light on the in between stuff. I do tend to highlight the vortex of suck. I will have to work on that.

Right after I make that bridge vanish.

And cure cancer and achieve world peace.

Damn, I am gonna be busy.

On the plus side, she thinks I am absolutely on track with this R situation. He has sucked the life out of me with his vapid personality and manipulations and the time has come to lay it on the line,assertively, and if he balks, then I am finally free.

I just want a happy medium. He doesn’t, though.

She also told me to stop atoning for the past because I don’t owe him anything, we are not in a relationship.

It makes perfect sense. So why do I feel like a back stabbing traitor while he feels absolutely nothing?

Oh, right. Because he’s up in his ivory tower looking down on me, chanting the mantra for me to “rise above it”.

With a beer in his hand.

Where do I find these people who are more fucked up than I am?


3 Responses to “Black, white, and avoidance”

  1. My world is black and white. But the lives of those around me are in spectacular technicolor. It’s seriously like a scene from the wizard of oz. I need to live my life to a set of rigid rules, else I won’t survive. I couldn’t buy a 24pk of toilet paper even though it was the same price as my 18pk. But my 18pk is ‘hypoallergenic’ and whilst the other pack was not it still had the same ply of paper, and was essentially the same thing. Couldn’t do it. I tried but it was like some invisible barrier was between me and the toilet paper. I know black and white thinking isn’t just about ‘yes/no, bad/good, right/wrong’, and I’ve found I have b&w thinking but that doesn’t make me conservative. A fact that confuses a lot of people.

    Love from a fellow b&w thinker 💞

    • For three years, I absolutely could NOT use any gas pump at this one store except a specific one. 18 pumps, but I had to have THAT specific one. If it was taken, I would wait and come back later. But my brain just could not step past the barrier, it seemed crucial for some reason. I always wondered if it was some sort of mental delay.

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